Monday, October 18, 2010

Prelude to a Butt-Ugly World Series

I feel Picasner's Game 2 pain. Posado went Macho on his ill advised throw to 2nd. The Rangers scored and the tone was set for the game. Excluding Robinson Canoe, all of the Yankee multimillionaires looked tight at the plate and if they don't hit and the Phillies win the NLCS as expected, we're being set up for the ugliest World Series in history.

Now, the baseball might be OK if the Rangers and Phillies make it to the Series, but this will, hands down, bring the cast of The Rocky Horror Picture Show into our homes for possibly 7 frightening appearances.

Let's start with the Rangers. It's bad enough that manager Ron Washington's facial hair looks like its been sprayed out of a can but he's my number 1 choice for Ugliest Seed Spitter in a major league uniform. I just can't wait to endure endless shots of cud-chewing, seed-spewing Washington hanging over the dugout railing. God have mercy on our souls.

And what's up with Nelson Cruz's eyebrows? They're dead ringers for Elizabeth Taylor's when she starred in Giant with James Dean - and Liz barely got away with them by having so much more to gaze at. Nelson does not enjoy that advantage and needs to consider a serious wax job.

Congrats to catcher Bengie Molina proving that a barely mobile beer truck can earn $4,500,000. And don't get me started on Jorge Cantu. Here's a guy who could star in Phantom of the Opera - sans makeup. And a suggestion to Cliff Lee. Either shave that thing off your face or grow a real beard. Only a sense of decorum prevents me from saying more.

The Phillies are in every way on par with the Rangers. Is it possible that their GM doubled as the casting director for Young Frankenstein?

Shane Victorino always looks a bit more than mildly deranged. If we could cross him with the Rangers' beyond-stoic Michael "Do Not Call Me Mike Because This is Serious Business" Young we might have a nearly normal human being.

And someone, anyone, please take a 9 iron and bash that huge chaw of tobacco out of Rauel Ibanez's drooling pie hole. You simply can't let your kids see this guy.

Placido Polanco is clearly my favorite. How can you not love a guy who's enormously bulbous head appears every year as a giant float in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade? But after dark, it's just scary.

And last but not least is Jason Werth. Either he has a serious Jesus complex or is bucking for a trade to Al Queda or the Boston Red Sox. Those are the only outfits I can think of that would not be embarrassed by a guy who makes Manny look like a fashion plate.

So let's go Yankees. If it's the Rangers and the Phillies, it's the radio for me.


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