Sunday, January 29, 2017


It's been a while. I could say I've been busy, but I'm retired so we know that's bull. I'm just lazy.

I like to call today, "Sports Dead Sunday." There is nothing earth shattering going on today in the world of sports. The closest we come is the Michigan-Michigan State basketball on in about an hour.

It's Pro-Bowl Sunday
That's when the "best" professional football players perform together in a game. That's if you ignore the fact that the two "best" teams are not represented because they play next week. Because football is such an orchestrated sport, they have to adjust the rules, otherwise it would be mayhem out there. Fewer and fewer people are interested in watching this game. In fact, I think the players wives don't even attend. It's in Florida now, at least when it was in Hawaii, the wives could spend time on the beaches. 20% of the players chosen beg their agents to get them out of it. This game came about to replace the 2nd place bowl where the two teams that lost in the conference championships played. Vince Lombardi once called that the "Hinky-Dink Bowl."  The Pro-Bowl is no step up.

The Australian Open concluded last night at 3:00 AM. If you wanted to see that, you basically had to give up on Sunday altogether.

NBA All Star Game
That's not for three weeks, so at least those people who like basketball with very liberal rule restrictions do have something to watch, such as, players who dunk and then posture & preen, where walking is something the players do to go back to the locker room, because in the game 3, 4 or even 5 steps without dribbling is permitted. I wonder if it occurred to anyone that with the size and ability of today's players, they should widen the lane about five feet, increase the size of the court about 10 feet (width & length) and raise the basket to 12 feet? Might be a more interesting sport.

NHL All-Star Game
They have really bastardized this game. It's now three-on-three. Not being a hockey aficionado, I have no idea why. Why don't they just schedule a series of fights on the ice. I understand that most fans prefer that anyway.

Major League Baseball
Just 16 days until  pitchers and catchers report and 24 days until the games start. There might still be one or two more blockbuster deals in the works, but probably not. Please hurry.

I believe the Superbowl pregame show started about an hour ago. This is a 24-hour, 7-day event which will allow us to learn the intimate details of every player, coaching staff and front office personnel of both teams. "Everything you ever wanted to know..."

The Syracuse Orange is probably the most exciting college team in the country. You never know which team is going to show up: The team that shoots the lights out and plays defense like they really have seven men on the court, or the team that will miss dunks, and plays defense like they're lugging around 30lb backpacks with their hands tied together. Good Orange vs. Bad Orange, your guess is as good as anyone else's.

This is distressing news. ESPN is cancelling "The Sports Reporters" as of the end of May. One of my favorite shows. I can't believe that a show that offers such insight on sports without resorting to making controversial remarks just for the purpose of sensationalism (see Stephen A,. Smith), would be deemed unworthy. Well, ESPN was never know for intelligent decisions.
As long as we're on distressing news, rest in peace, Mary Tyler Moore. Perhaps the funniest scene in television is the funeral scene for Chuckles the Clown.

"Next Sunday, Animal Planet is airing another Puppy Bowl. My, how the mighty have fallen. Rex Ryan is coaching the North team."  -- Brad Dickson
"Disgraced QB Johnny Manziel tweeted some advice on using Twitter to President Trump.The Book of Revelation clearly states the first sign of the Apocalypse is that Johnny Manziel is the voice of reason."  -- Argus Hamilton
"Several L.A. County businesses stepped forward to help bail out the struggling Lennox Little League, including a $1,200 donation from the Jet Strip club. What, you’ve never seen a baseball field with brass foul poles before?"  -- Dwight Perry
"Four 30-somethings reached the men’s and women’s finals at the Australian Open. On display were tennis’ greatest forehands, backhands and old hands."  -- RJ Currie
" After losing a bet, LeBron James had to eat raw garlic. Twenty minutes later he became the first player in NBA history to clear the lane just by exhaling."  -- Brad Dickson
"Seahawks assistant coach Rocky Seto is leaving the NFL to enter the ministry: “If he really wants to be around a lot of people praying every Sunday, he should join the 49ers."  -- Janice Hough
"Johnny Manziel has an autograph booth during Super Bowl week. He is charging $99 to sign items people bring. So far no NFL teams plan to bring a contract and the CFL has announced that none of their teams has $99 to spare."  -- TC Chong
"An all-Russian tussle at the Aussie Open went to a tie-breaker. After three sets, Anastasia Sergeyevna Pavlyuchenkova was deadlocked with Natalia Konstantinovna Vikhlyantseva at 14 syllables."  -- RJ Currie  [and 32 letters each - CP]
"LeBron James is complaining about the Cavalier front. We always thought that LeBron WAS the Cavalier front office."  --  Mike Lupica
"The Florida Panthers used a team ticket agent as backup goalie. He didn’t make any saves. However, he did make sure everybody had good seats."  -- Brad Dickson



Wednesday, January 04, 2017


Sometimes jokes just write themselves. A few remarks from past years:

After a few productive years in Montreal, Javier played for six different team in 8 years.

Javier Vasquez has signed a 1-year, $7 million, no-trade contract with the Florida Marlins. The no-trade clause is at the request of the other 29 teams.

Brett never could make a decision...and stick to it.
 On Brett Farve being undecided on retirement: His agent says if Brett is healthy, he'll play. Obviously, mental health does not figure into this scenario.
"Flash" made a career out of being the backup guy, both on the field and in the booth.
John Flaherty caught a foul ball hit back into the TV booth. He was very excited. "I haven't caught a ball like that in 6 years," he said. Unfortunately, he retired 4 years ago.

But we don't talk about the past.
Mark McGwire's wife Stephanie is expected to give birth to triplets this week. Apparently, Mark is still using those "performance enhancing" drugs.

Nick was on a first-name basis with the EMTs in four cities.
It seems like Nick Johnson is injured again. I think he has Mt Sinai Hospital on retainer. He no longer has a number on his back, just a Red Cross.  

Even now, the "panda" has that weight fluctuation thing down pat.
In a effort to positively affect his weight problem, the Giants put Pablo Sandoval on a food regimen this winter. And it worked: he positively gained weight. His trainer said, "We were doing all right until he escaped.

Beloved by reporters all over the country.
During an interview, Nick Swisher doesn't need a question, just a microphone.   

 If you've ever been to San Francisco, you know what a drop that is.

With Melky's .305 batting average and 18 home runs, the Giant pitching staff is organizing a ticker-tape parade down Divisiderio Street, which is appropriate, since, like the Giant offense, Divisiderio Street is all downhill.

Of course, that's when he did decide to run.

Cano ran the bases without a care in the world...or a brain in his head.
I hope this joke doesn't get my cousin Judy all riled up again.

The Yankees will have a ceremony honoring Roger Maris before the game tomorrow. No truth to the rumor that Bud Selig will throw out the first asterisk.

 A couple of "Manny being Manny" remarks.
 *Manny Ramirez was arrested yesterday on a charge of Battery during a domestic dispute. Manny may be retired, but it appears he can still hit.
*Manny Ramirez made a tremendous diving catch of a throw...intended for someone else. He's still the only major leaguer in history who has been credited with an interception.

 Joe Torre did overuse this guy. He once brought Scott in for relief during a Father/Son game.
Scott Proctor had a huge number of appearances a few years ago and has signed with the Yankees. He joined the Scranton Wilkes-Barre team on Tuesday. His arm is expected to join him in a few days.
I guess Scott Proctor wasn't available.
You know your pitcher isn't doing well when the grounds crew drags the infield AND the warning track in the fifth inning.

Bobby's the man.

ESPN is upset because Bobby Knight cursed on live  TV. What's the big deal? When you hire Bobby Knight, why are you surprised when you get Bobby Knight?

This could also apply to umpires - and I'm not going to mention Joe West's name.
Is a deaf referee a problem? I don't think the deafness is any problem, especially when you consider that there seem to be a number of refs out there who are blind.

Okay, I lied.
Actually, I consider Joe West to be the 2nd best umpire in the majors. All the other umpires are tied for first.

Catchers used to go to the mound just to catch their breaths.
 AJ Burnett has said he wants to be "unstoppable" this year. You led the majors in wild pitches with 25, your third time leading the league. Yankee catchers already think you're unstoppable.

I love Scott Boras. Couldn't write a blog without him.
Scott Boras can't get a contract for Johnny Damon. He can't even bring out his usual routines, the One Dumb Owner or the 'Mystery Team,' because no one is that dumb and it's no mystery.

Bobby Valentine is another guy that makes my day.
*Bobby Valentine says he's been booed in two different countries. It seems to me, that that's because he's only managed in two different countries.
*Boston has been voted the smartest city in the U.S. If that's true, how do you explain hiring Bobby Valentine? 

I'm not sure that this is a joke.
You can't say the Yanks aren't doing everything they can for Mariano Rivera since he was injured.  He has seen at least four different doctors, had x-Rays and MRIs. They've done everything but send him to Lourdes.

I guess I'm the only "They Said It" today.

Happy New Year!