Friday, February 27, 2015


** Sports writer Bob Klapisch wrote: "Yanks to monitor Masahiro Tanaka's pitches." Great insight, Bob. Maybe tomorrow you'll say something like "Yanks hope A-Rod will hit," or perhaps " Girardi hopes Brett Gardner can run." As fans, we always appreciate the inside story of what's happening in spring training. 

** Two Tennessee High School girls basketball coaches were suspended after having their teams try to intentionally lose a their game in hopes of a better tournament seeding. I believe the final score was 2-0. The attempt was was pretty evident, so I hope they learned something from this. Leave this tanking business to the pros.

** ESPN has announced their Sunday night baseball schedule thru July 17. The Yankees and Red Sox are scheduled for SEVEN times. It doesn't seem to matter that we could end up watching 4th and 5th place teams battle it out for most of the summer. Meanwhile, the World Champion SF Giants are on ZERO times in that period. The Dodgers are also missing from the lineup and the LA Angels are scheduled for  just two games. There's that old East Coast Bias again. 

** Apparently A-Rod was loudly cheered after blasting a couple of balls out of Steinbrenner Field in Tampa. Of course, he did this against 55-mph batting practice fast balls, which puts him on a level with slow pitch beer games.

** The "Evil Empire" New York Yankees were noticeably quiet over the winter while Red Sox CEO Larry Luchino spent $31.5 million on 19-year old Cuban infielder, Yoan Moncada. When asked about the comparison to NY, he responded, " That's very different."    Oh.

"Swim star Michael Phelps, the 18-time Olympic gold medalist, announced his engagement on Twitter. In keeping with the theme, it’ll be a five-ring ceremony."  -- Dwight Perry
"It appears that Pablo Sandoval has caught onto and enjoying the Red Sox “Fried Chicken in the clubhouse” tradition. Little Caesar’s has introduced a pizza wrapped in bacon. Sandoval says that would make a wonderful dessert"  -- TC Chong
"The Cleveland Browns have announced a new tweaked helmet with a brighter orange color, and will unveil a new uniform this spring. Unfortunately for Browns fans, the uniforms will still have the same players in them."  -- Janice Hough
" Joba Chamberlain’s new contract includes a Cy Young bonus.Isn’t that like Vin Diesel’s  new contract including an Oscar bonus?”  -- Bill Littlejohn
" The long-overdue Pacquiao-Mayweather showdown is coming. I’m glad to see Manny and Floyd are finally putting aside their differences to fight."  -- Jimmy Kimmel
" U Conn CB Byron Jones made a standing broad jump of 12ft 3in at the NFL scouting combine. Wasn’t that the event that got Tiger in all that trouble?"  -- TC Chong
"To give you an idea how much the Huskers have been struggling offensively, whenever a player makes a basket, fans cut the nets down."  -- Brad Dickson
"Hank Aaron says he is rooting for A-Rod to have a “great year.” Well, getting paid $22 million for sitting in the dugout sounds like a pretty great year to most people."  -- Janice Hough



HA! - We Have A Winner

Gov. Scott Walker says he is ready to deal with global terrorism because he has handled protesters in his own state of Wisconsin. Addressing the crowd at CPAC on Thursday, the Republican described how his record of calling in the Wisconsin National Guard to combat labor union demonstrations has readied him to fight Islamic extremists: “If I can take on 100,000 protesters, I can do the same across the world.” 

Sunday, February 22, 2015


The list of topics on the ESPN baseball page has more references to injuries than baseball:
** Oriole's Weiters (elbow) eyes opening day
** Dodger's Greinke gets injection in right elbow
** Yankee ace Tanaka says elbow feels good
** Wright not worried about shoulder
** Bochy has heart procedure
** Cards to limit Wainwright's innings after torn cartilage surgery in elbow
There were 7 other stories, but 4 of them had to do with contracts.

In 1996, Jeffery Maier "stole" a fly ball from the Baltimore right fielder during Game One of the ALCS series in Yankee Stadium. Derek Jeter was given a home run when he should have been called out for fan interference. In an auction, the glove just sold for $22,000 and change. I had to save my allowance for two months to buy my first glove ($10.99)....and I still have it. Heritage Auctions said they weren't interested.

The Syracuse Orange aren't going to any tournaments which may be a good thing. I can't see the Orange going anywhere with Caleb Joseph at point guard. Maybe we're spoiled after watching the  last few point guards Boeheim has had, but this guy is useless. Boeheim supposedly has a super recruiting class coming in next year and I hope one of them is a point guard.

The ESPN show, "Outside the Lines" spent half of Sunday's show on A-Rod's return. I think there are still a few people in Lithuania who don't know about this story, but the media still has 3 or 4 more weeks to get the word out.

"It’s obviously Lent in New York.The Knicks are giving up Carmelo Anthony, Amar’e Stoudemire and the win column."  -- Dwight Perry

"Reportedly, Seahawk Doug Baldwin’s squatting after catching a touchdown pass in the Super Bowl was a diss at Pats DB Darrelle Revis. Now Revis has a Super Bowl ring and Baldwin is known as the guy who looked constipated on TV."  -- Brad Dickson
" MLB and the players unions have agreed to changes to speed up the game. So who knows, maybe this year they can get an average Red Sox-Yankees game down to four hours."  -- Janice Hough
"The Oscars are on this weekend. The Imitation Game is a favorite to win Best Picture. It’s a film about The Toronto Maple Leafs pretending to be a pro hockey team during the past 40 years."  -- TC Chong
"Kevin Durant said NBA players are smarter than the media. There's a bar that's not set terribly high."  -- Brad Dickson
"Online bids for the infamous mitt that 12-year-old Jeffrey Maier used to snag Derek Jeter’s controversial home run in the 1986 ALCS have reached $19,000. Gold Glove? No kidding."  -- Dwight Perry
"There are many attempts to speed up baseball games. Pitching changes are real show-stoppers. As far as I’m concerned, anything short of catapulting relievers to the mound should be on the table."  -- Bud Shaw, Cleveland Plain Dealer


Friday, February 20, 2015


** So the Yanks are retiring another number, Andy Pettitte's #46. Supposedly, Bernie Williams (#51) and Jorge Posada (#20) will also have their numbers retired. Of course, Derek Jeter's #2 will be retired as soon as the Yanks can figure out how to get a national holiday declared. As soon as that happens, the Yankees will have retired 21 numbers altogether honoring 22 different players (Yogi Berra & Bill Dickey share #8). I wonder if they plan on retiring Alex Rodriquez number too? They might as well. I can't imagine any other player wanting to wear #13.
I understand they want to honor these players, but why not just give them a plaque in the Monument Park in centerfield? Pettitte, Williams and Posada were very good players but I don't know if they rate having their numbers retired. I suppose longevity means something, but this? And why was Reggie Jackson's number retired? He only played for the Yanks for 5 years. One great World Series? Okay, then why not Bobby Richardson, who had 11 hits and 12 RBIs in the 1960 WS? Heck, Bill Mazeroski hit ONE homerun in that series and it got him into the Hall of Fame.
** Umpire Tim McClelland is retiring. He's 63 and widely seen as one of baseball's most respected umpires. He will always be remembered as the umpire who called George Brett out in the pine tar incident. I will always remember him as the umpire who had two Yankees on third base at the same time and neither one got called out. 
** Baseball will have some new rules this year to help speed the game up. Batters will be required to keep one foot in the batter's box at all times. Except:
A) a foul ball
B) a foul tick
C) a swing and miss
D) a brush back or knock down pitch
E) wild pitch
F) when the umpire says it's okay
They might as well have added G) whenever the hell the batter feels like it.
Why? Because the penalty could be a $500 fine. Wow! That's like me being fined 25 cents for speeding.
But they're trying. Managers won't be allowed to saunter out on to the field and stall while they await a signal from the bench if they should ask for a review on a call. That may help.
** The Red Sox are being touted as the favorites to win the AL East, largely based on the addition of Hanley Ramirez and Pedro Sandoval. Ramirez is known to be a troublemaker in the clubhouse  and Sandoval has a weight problem and doesn't always exert a 100% effort. Sure enough, Pedro showed up at spring training overweight. Not a new problem for him. I wrote this about him back in 2011:
"In an effort to positively affect his weight problem, the SF Giants put him on a food regimen for the winter. And it worked: He positively gained weight. His trainer said, " We were doing all right until he escaped."

Well, that's all for now. I have to go and shovel again today.

"The Bills signed Richie Incognito. That’s good news. I firmly believe everyone deserves a 39th chance."  -- Brad Dickson
"Complaining is like vomiting,” new Twins manager Paul Molitor told Twin Cities business leaders at a recent breakfast. “You might feel better after you get it out, but you make everybody around you sick.”  No word on if anyone went back for seconds"  -- Dwight Perry
"The Oscars are on this weekend. The Imitation Game is a favorite to win Best Picture. It’s a film about The Toronto Maple Leafs pretending to be a pro hockey team during the past 40 years."  -- TC Chong
"If you make every game a life-and death proposition, you’re going to have problems. For one thing, you’ll be dead a lot."  -- the late N. Carolina coach Dean Smith
"Danica Patrick and Denny Hamlin crashed during Daytona 500 qualifying. Or, as the headlines read: "Danica, Another Driver Crash." -- Brad Dickson

"Suggested walk-up music for Alex Rodriguez’s plate appearances this season: “Hit Me With Your Best Shot.”  -- Dwight Perry 
"Memo to all players at Yankee Spring Training: Since we are running out of traditional numbers, please submit a request for a “letter or double letter” uniform in case the number you want is unavailable. The letters BB (bat boy); DD (our well endowed left field foul line girl) and FU (in case Randy Johnson comes out of retirement) are already taken."  -- TC Chong
"Portly Pablo Sandoval reported to his first Red Sox spring training looking a tad plump. Coincidence? The team’s batting donut has already gone missing."  -- Dwight Perry
"I would put more stock in A-Rod’s letter of apology to Yankees fans if he hadn’t written it in disappearing ink."  -- Marc Ragovin

"Roger Goodell, 56, ran the 40 yard dash this week, in a very respectable 5.53 seconds. Assume Goodell did it by imagining he was running away from tough questions."  -- Janice Hough


Sunday, February 15, 2015


You should know that these opinions are biased towards 'old school thinking.' That's because I'm old school. No secret there and yes, I'm fully aware of the cheating that went on back in the 20s, 30s, 40s, etc. That doesn't make it acceptable now. Maybe we're more aware now than back then, or maybe the electronic media makes it possible for more of us to be aware. Be that as it may, cheating is still cheating.

#1)  Pete Rose. There is talk that the new commissioner is willing to talk about lifting Rose's lifetime ban. Pete says he's suffered enough. Pete bet on baseball. Pete bet on games his own team was playing in while he managed that team. Compounding the issue, he then lied about it for years. He only stopped when one of his advisers told him if he came clean, they might forgive him. MIGHT. Big word, small chance. Talk all you want, just leave him where he is.

#2)  Alex Rodriquez. Why is it that these guys think if they deny hard enough and threaten legal action, officials will cower in fear. But when the officials show they are ready to carry on with the battle, these liars back off. Why? Heaven forbid they have to sit in that witness chair and swear to tell the truth - about everything. Lie about one little thing and your serving time for perjury, even if they never prove you cheated.
A-Rod is currently making the sack cloth and ashes tour, starting with the commissioner, continuing with the Yankee brass, planning his confession to the media and finishing with his teammates. How's he doing? Well the Yanks met with him in stony silence and told him to forget getting his "Milestone home run totals" bonus. To show him they meant it, they told him to go ahead and sue us. There's that old witness chair thing again. When the Hall of Fame voting rears it's ugly head (and A-Rod's head), I think his chances should go the same way Bonds, McGwire and Clemens voting is going.  Nowhere!

#3)  The people in charge of the Little League baseball team. They restructured the territorial lines from which they could choose players in order to get the best players in the city. When they got caught, Little League officials stripped the team of it's championship and suspended the offending team leaders. Now the parents are up in arms, saying that the kids shouldn't have had their "fairly won" championship taken away, that the Little League officials were being unfair. These parents say the kids didn't do it, it was the people in charge. They shouldn't be upset at the Little League, they should be upset with the perpetrators of the crime, Their own officials.Mike Lupica said it best"But in the end, what Steve Keener, the head of Little League baseball, did was right and proper, and not political, despite all the political pressure he now faces. If they get away with it, the kids grow up thinking that rules, especially at the youth level is really some kind of buffet table. Choose the ones you want to follow." 

#4)  Ya' gotta love Tark the Shark. Jerry Tarkanian, former coach of the Las Vegas Runnin' Rebels, has passed away. He was a good coach, winning 761 games in his 31 years as a head coach, but he was an even better recruiter, which led to most of his battles with the NCAA. He spent more time on the carpet at NCAA headquarters than the office cleaners, but the NCAA officials were never very successful at nailing him. Tark knew how to bend the rules and even, according to rumors,  how to break some without getting caught. One sports writer interviewed Tark after a meeting of coaches and the rules committee. "How come,"  he asked the master rules-bender Tarkanian, " you voted for every single rules change that tightened up the restrictions?"  "Because,"  he replied, "some teams might follow them."

Dean Smith should not be linked with cheaters, but I wanted to mention one important fact about him. He may have been the one major reason for the collegiate shot clock. Dean took advantage of the rules at the time, to keep the ball away from stronger teams when he developed the '4-corners offense.' In this set, he positioned one man at each of the four corners of the half court and had a ball handler dribble around until he got double-teamed, in which case he would pass to the teammate left unguarded, run over and take the return pass and start all over again. Granted, he had the players needed to execute this plan, but he went out and got them and used them effectively.

Last Thursday, Southern Mississippi lost in overtime to Florida International, 73-71. Late in January, Southern Miss had two players declared ineligible, reducing their roster to seven players. When 3 players fouled out, So. Miss. played the final minute with only four players on the floor. Where was Dean Smith when you needed him?

Annie-O commented that there were 20 some televised games listed in the Rochester paper yesterday. I told her that there were over 140 Division I games scheduled in the country that day and 42 were being televised on some national network. 

"A record 2.7 million Canadians took in the  Eugenia Boughard-Maria Sharapova Aussie Open quarter-final. Of those, 99 per cent were males ages 18-35; the rest like tennis."  -- RJ Currie
"Some tough new rules are in effect for the NBA All-Star Game this weekend. For example, if a player tucks the ball under his arm and runs the length of the court, he'll be warned for traveling."  -- Brad Dickson
"Laker star Kobe Bryant had season-ending shoulder surgery. Don't worry, Kobe should be up and not passing to anyone in no time."  -- Alex Kaseberg

"The Buffalo Bills just signed ex-Dolphins pariah Richie Incognito. Well, bully for them."  -- Dwight Perry
"Former UNLV basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian dead at age 84. Tark holds the NCAA record of most towels chewed in a season."  -- Tony Chong
"Question: Who is the only one who could consistently hold Michael Jordan under 20 points a game?  Answer: His college coach, Dean Smith, by keeping him on the bench."  -- Bob Ryan
"Reviews of “50 Shades of Grey” aren’t great. But in New York, anyone wanting to see some real torture can always buy Knicks tickets."  -- Janice Hough
"According to a recent study, referees under six feet tall call more penalties than refs six feet and over. This puts a whole new spin on playing a man short"  -- RJ Currie
"At the Colorado Rockies’ fantasy camp, an 88-year-old rushed the mound after a brush-back pitch. This happened on Monday afternoon, and he arrived at the mound late Tuesday morning."  -- Brad Dickson
"NFL Films patriarch Ed Sabol has died. He was XCVIII."  -- TC Chong
" Bad news for Dodgers fans, the 2015 season may still be in a TV blackout. Worse news for Lakers fans. The rest of their 2015 season won’t be."  -- Janice Hough




Tuesday, February 10, 2015

A Vitale of Few Words? Not Now. Not Ever.

Had a great laugh watching the Kentucky - LSU basketball game when Dick Vitale said, "I've said it once and I'll say it again..."


Vitale has never said anything once.


Sunday, February 08, 2015


We're currently in that in-between season, when spring training hasn't started, the Super Bowl is long gone, college basketball hasn't reached the NCAA Tournament seeding speculation, pro basketball is not interesting yet and that game on ice: figure skaters with terrible costumes (commonly known as 'hockey') still evokes interest to former players and analysts. So I'm reduced to off-the-cuff comments about random acts of events which make sense to...well, no one.

** Since neither the Yanks nor the Mets have made any big splashes over the winter, the NY papers keep dredging up the "Yanks-sign-Shields" rumors, even though it seems fairly certain that Shields will sign with the Padres. At least today, that is.

** A-Rod will try to mend fences with the Yankee brass by having a sit-down with them. What's the point? They won't believe anything he says and won't be interested unless he wants to give back the money they paid him (HA!).

**Speaking of bad contracts, the Rockies just signed pitcher Kyle Kendrick to a one year $5.5 million contract.  He's 30 years old  and has a won-loss average of 10-13 with a 4.40 ERA over the last three seasons.

** The city of San Jose, CA, is suing Major League Baseball because the Giants won't let the A's move there. How can they think that the courts will be any faster or be any more effective than MLB's Commissioner?

** I watched the Syracuse-Pittsburgh game last night and unless your cave doesn't have cable, you know that the Orange have declared themselves ineligible for ANY year-end tournaments. The announcers informed us of that fact over and over and over again. This was usually followed by, "The players haven't given up, they're still fighting hard in spite of that restriction."  They neglected to say, "...and they're still losing."
By the way, I've never seen a player mugged so badly and so often as Rakeem Christmas was in that game. They grabbed his arms, shoved him all over the court and sandwiched him between as many as three players. One time, they even hit him in the eye. The refs did nothing except to call the sweepers in to mop up the blood.

** New head coach, Rex Ryan, says the, the Bills are going to the Super Bowl this year. I guess he thinks he can get 40 tickets.

** If you own a lousy team like the NY Knicks, you have to rely on promotions and goodwill to keep the fans buying tickets. Knick owner hasn't quite got that technique down yet: Dolan told a fan to "...start rooting for the Nets because the Knicks don't want you," in a contentious email exchange.

"NY Yankees officials says they have now agreed to a sit-down meeting with A-Rod. Ah yes, an early sign that spring is approaching. The circus is coming to town."  -- Janice Hough
"Nebraska lost out on 6-foot-5, 344-pound offensive tackle Darrin Paulo, who chose Utah, reportedly after the state promised him his own time zone."  -- Brad Dickson
"There frigid temperatures in the Northeast: “New Yorkers haven’t seen cold like this since the last Knicks shoot-around."  -- Alan Ray
"So that’s where the Patriots’ missing air went!  Tipoff for the Boston College-Bucknell basketball game on Jan. 24 was delayed when referees discovered that the game ball was overinflated. -- Dwight Perry
"Dan Marino was CNN’s Super Bowl expert. Compared to this, getting weather predictions from a groundhog doesn’t seem so silly."  -- Brad Dickson
"ESPN called Maria Sharapova meeting Serena Williams at the Aussie Open renewing their "rivalry," despite Sharapova’s 15 straight losses to Williams. That's like calling a fly a rival to a windshield"  -- RJ Currie
"The Atlanta Falcons got caught pumping in fake crowd noise. The NFL first became suspicious when the crowd began cheering the day before the game."  -- Tim Hunter
"My sports and entertainment heroes have been, roughly in order, Bill Cosby, O.J. Simpson, Bruce Jenner, Lance Armstrong, Tiger Woods, Charlie Sheen and Brian Williams. I am starting to think I might be the problem."  -- Alex Kaseberg
"The NFL fined 4 players from $8268 to $10,000 for their roles in the brawl at the end of the Super Bowl. Good to see the league has its priorities in order. Hitting people is almost as bad as wearing the wrong brand of clothing."  -- Janice Hough

"A boys high school basketball game in Alabama ended with a final score of 2-0, with the sole basket coming 15 seconds into the game. The cheerleaders left late in the third quarter. “There’s clearly nothing for us to do here.”  -- Brad Dickson
"Pistons guard Brandon Jennings recently recorded the NBA’s first 20-20 game in five years — 24 points, 21 assists. No one has looked so good in the paint since Sports Illustrated airbrushed a swimsuit on  Kate Upton."  -- RJ Currie


Thursday, February 05, 2015

Stanley W. Cohen

OAKLAND, Cali. - As Dallas Mavericks coach Rick Carlisle was preparing for a West Coast match up with Golden State Warriors on Wednesday night, his thoughts and his family’s thoughts were with the family of Stanley Cohen, a legendary teacher of the game of basketball in the North Country.

Cohen, 80, a member of the New York State Basketball Coaches Hall of Fame in 2014, died on Wednesday morning.

“On behalf of the Carlisle family and all people from the north country, I wish to salute the great and humble life of Stanley W. Cohen who passed away early Wednesday morning. Mr. Cohen quietly but persistently influenced the lives of countless North country people, young and old, over a period of five-plus decades. His long standing work in the academic and athletic departments of both Canton ATC and Potsdam College helped untold thousands work toward their dreams,” said Dallas Mavericks Coach Rick Carlisle a former Lisbon Golden Knight and Ogdensburg native.

“Mr. Cohen was a constant encouraging presence to son Hal Cohen who became the greatest basketball player ever to come out of the North Country in 1976. With Stan Cohen’s continuous guidance, Hal set a high standard of excellence that younger players like myself believed could be possible coming from the North Country.”

“Above all, Stanley W. Cohen was a loving family man of the highest moral values and integrity. He is survived by wife Rose and a loving family that will carry on his legacy of understated high character in perpetuity. Our sincerest condolences go out to the Cohen family. The North Country has lost a great man.”

My son had the honor of playing for Stan and head coach Sherry Dobbs at SUNY Potsdam, winning SUNYAC championships in 2004 and 2005 and advancing to the DIII Sweet 16 in 2004 and the Elite 8 in 2005.

Stan touched every member of that team and every parent as well.

Always a great teacher, gentleman and friend, Stan will be sorely missed and long remembered.

Sunday, February 01, 2015


I'm entranced by the Super Bowl pre-game spectacular, which started on Tuesday, I think, and continues until 11:00 PM tonight. I did read that they may break about 10:00 PM to show highlights of the game, but it depends on whether the highlights are deemed more interesting than the opinion of the backup sports reporter from Ottumwa, Iowa. They will definitely announce the score during the morning recap of the pre-game. In the meantime, here's a brief posting so I can get back to the explanation of  how to properly clean Tom Brady's cleats.

** Here it is February already and James Shields still isn't signed. The longer it goes, the cheaper his deal will become. Initially, he was asking for 7 years and $155 million ($22.1 million/year). Now analysts believe he may have to settle for 2 years and $35 million ($17.5 mill/yr). Too bad. Maybe he can apply for food stamps.

** I don't understand all the love being doled out to the Red Sox by the media. Everyone is picking them for 1st or 2nd in their division. Is it just because they picked up Pablo Sandoval and Hanley Ramirez? Sandoval's numbers aren't that great and he has a reputation that his abilities rise and fall opposite his weight. Plus he tends to be sporadic in his efforts during the year. Ramirez is thought to be a clubhouse cancer if things don't go exactly the way he wants. He's a shortstop who's being moved to left field because, "...he doesn't move so well anymore."  Most analysts feel their pitching staff has more questions than the Yankees, but all this is being ignored.

** Joe Girardi thinks everyone should give A-Rod a chance and not evaluate him early in spring training. "Older players need more time to get ready than 22 or 25 year-olds." Based on A-Rod's age (40 in July), spring training might not end until June for him. Girardi says his plan is some third base, some DH and some first base. At least he'll "talk" to A-Rod about first.

"Okay, is it too late to put a prop bet that the Super Bowl MVP’s first utterance to the media will be “I’ve gotten a measles vaccination and I’m going to Disneyland?"  -- Janice Hough
"Madame Tussauds Orlando unveiled a wax statue of Dan Marino. The likeness is uncanny, veteran Marino-watchers say, in terms of both looks and mobility."  -- Dwight Perry
"Four Super Bowl tickets are going for $51,000 on eBay. Although to be fair, that price includes a full-body rubdown from stadium security."  -- Jimmy Kimmel
"The retractable roof at the Australian Open’s Rod Laver Arena moves at 4.2 feet per minute. In comparison, that’s about one foot per minute faster than Peyton Manning."  -- RJ Curry
"Three-time Boston Marathon winner Rita Jeptoo has been hit with a two-year doping ban after testing positive for the blood-booster EPO. Running officials figured something was amiss when she needed another 20 miles for her cool-down lap."  -- Dwight Perry
" I have only one prediction. The opening toss will be delayed while Belichick and Brady look for a coin with two heads."  -- Brad Dickson
"Not everyone is interested in The Super Bowl. Some people actually tune in just to watch the new ads. These people are called the Green Bay Packers and Indianapolis Colts."  -- TC Chong
"Patriots fire longtime Director of Football Cheating."  --
" Sports Illustrated laid off all of its staff photographers: “This year’s Swimsuit Issue could be entirely selfies."  -- Tim Hunter
"Atomic scientists have ominously just reset the Doomsday Clock ahead by 120 seconds — to three minutes before midnight.  “No biggie,” said a Green Bay Packers fan. “What could possibly go wrong in just three minutes?"  -- Dwight Perry
"Monday is Groundhog Day. Marshawn Lynch’s biggest fear is that he will see his own shadow and have to attend six more weeks of interviews."  -- TC Chong
" This just in from Seattle running back Marshawn Lynch: “ …...... ”  --  RJ Currie
"It’s now reported that Odell Beckham Jr. played last season with two torn hamstrings. Contrast this with that guy who dropped out of the Pro Bowl because of a sore cuticle."  -- Brad Dickson
"I wasn’t surprised to hear ESPN analysts saying Kobe Bryant might pass up the rest of the season. I was surprised to hear “Kobe” and “pass” in the same sentence."  -- RJ Currie
"U.S.-Mexican border control agents are being used for Super Bowl security. Already 20,000 illegal immigrants have snuck into the stadium."  -- Brad Dickson

Okay, now on to the game!
Picture compliments of RJ Currie