Friday, December 31, 2010


Here's hoping that 2011 will provide many opportunities to poke some fun. These are some of my favorites jibes from 2010:

On the plethora of Bowl Games:
Independence Bowl (no date, they play whenever the hell they want)
Humanitarian Bowl (no shoulder pads, no helmets - touch football, really)
Insight Bowl (no football game, just yoga contemplation exercises)
BBVA Compass Bowl (for geographically-challenged teams, no doubt
On the Javier Vasquez signing:
Javier has signed a 1-year, $7 million, no-trade contract with the Florida Marlins. The no-trade clause is at the request of the other 29 teams.
On the Jeter/Yankee negotiations:
The latest reports indicate that the Yanks and Jeter are $50 million apart. If you think that's bad Derek, wait till you and Minka Kelly start discussing wedding rings.
On a Hockey trade:
Hockey player Brett Sutter of the Calgary Flames was in a bar fight recently that got him sent to jail. His dad, Darryl Sutter, who happens to be the Flames GM, promptly traded him to the Carolina Hurricanes. Jeez, my dad just sent me to my room.
On Selig expanding the playoffs:
At this rate, Bud will have to build in another off-day: Thanksgiving.
What to do about AJ Burnett:
He's not tradeable and completely unreliable. Annie-O suggests the Yanks make him a position player. Good thinking. His best position is sitting down.
Announcers doing promos:
All networks do this, but TBS has taken it to a new level. The promo last night was for college basketball's March Madness. That's 5 months off. So how was your Christmas?
On Tampa, giving away 20,000 tickets:
Not to be outdone, the Yankees have announced that they are giving away 25,000 unsold tickets to Yankee Stadium for tonight's game with the Red Sox. No mention of the fact that the game is in Boston.
On Bud Selig attempting to prevent the World Series from ending on Nov. 4 next season by starting the season one day earlier:
This is like telling a guy that's being executed that you're using new and improved bullets. YOU may feel better, but it's not doing him any good.
The Twins have announced an increase in ticket prices for next season. The most expensive seat (Dugout Box) will cost...are you ready?... $72, an increase of $3. Wow, a whole $72. In New York, for $72 they let you stand in the concourse and LOOK at the Stadium...but not on the weekend
A fine 9-run outburst sealed the fate of the ever-falling Detroit Tigers yesterday, in spite of the efforts of one-time "genius" Jim Leland, who mixed and matched pitchers like he was arranging dates for the prom.
On Brett Farve being undecided on retirement:
His agent says if Brett is healthy, he'll play. Obviously, mental health does not figure into this scenario.
On John Flaherty catching a foul ball hit back into the booth:
He was very pleased. "Boy, I haven't caught a ball in 6 years," he said. Unfortunately, he retired 4 years ago.
Getting on Mark McGwire:
Mark McGwire's wife Stephanie is expected to give birth to triplets this week. Apparently Mark is still using those "performance enhancing" drugs.
On CB Buckner’s many bad calls in one game:
Oddly enough, there was very little grousing about his questionable calls and he never had to throw anyone out of the game. However, Joe West called the Yankee dugout long distance and tossed two players and a trainer.
The bullpen blows up:
I haven't seen a beat-down like that since the Israeli-Arab Six-Day War. Let's hope Burnett pitches a complete game today, because if Girardi goes out to the mound and looks down at the bullpen, all he's going to see is 6 white flags and a "CLOSED" sign.
The umpires (again):
The NHL is upset because umpires Bob Davidson & Joe West had more fights than they did this week.
On perpetually injured Nick Johnson:
He has Mt Sinai Hospital on retainer.
On controlling rowdy fans:
Another fan ran out onto the field in Philly last night, after 17-year old Steve Consalvi was tasered on Monday night. The 34-year old unnamed rowdy gave up quietly after police threatened to buy him season tickets to the New York Mets.
Joe Torre and the feuding McCourts:
Joe Torre has told the Dodgers he wants to manage again next year. Asked to comment, owner Frank McCourt revealed his feelings, when he said, "One divorce at a time."
Team Nicknames:
Question: If the Fighting Irish played the Fighting Illini, would they really need a basketball? *
On Pablo Sandoval’s weight problem:
In an effort to positively affect his weight problem, the Giants put him on a food regimen for the winter. And it worked: he positively gained weight. His trainer said, "We were doing all right until he escaped."
On Yankee spring training activities:
Sabathia has been light-tossing, Jeter has been jogging, and Nick Johnson has been practicing pulling up lame.
Yankees sign a player:
In an act that almost assures their winning another pennant, The NY Yankees have signed...wait for it... Sergio Mitre for $850,000, or as A-Rod would say, "I'll get the tip."
On injury-prone Nick Johnson:
He's been on the DL so often, he no longer has a number on his back, just a Red Cross.
On Nick Swisher:
During an interview, he doesn't need a question, just a microphone.
On Bob Matthews inability to pick football game winners:
I believe Bob also took Custer and the points against the Sioux.
On the inept Matt Millen:
Having Matt Millen as your team president is like asking Britney Spears to babysit your kids.
A description of the annual General Manager’s meetings:
California is host to the annual GM meeting this year (What, you expected Idaho?). Scott Boras was carried in on a portable throne, with 6 GMs as bearers and Bud Selig tossing rose petals in front of the procession.Brian Cashman reportedly brought two bankers with him and was handing out $1000 bills as party favors to all the agents. Scott Boras used his to light his cigar and an unfortunate assistant Gm who happened to be standing too close.

More on Scott Boras:
Scott Boras is Teixeira's agent. With the Yanks, Red Sox, Angels & Orioles extremely interested in Mark, Boras reportedly drooled so hard, he drowned two assistants

See you next year!

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