Wednesday, June 12, 2013


Graeme McDowell said that the only way this year’s U.S. Open can ensure fair play is to allow players to lift, clean and replace their shots, removing any mud their ball might pick up at a soggy Merion course. Defending his position, McDowell pointed out that his typical low trajectory, high spin shot is more susceptible to the effect of mud than the high trajectory shots played by most Americans.

Several local players at Winding Creek Golf Club in Victor, NY, in complete sympathy with McDowell, have tweaked local rules not only to eliminate the “McDowell Mud Conundrum” but also have expanded McDowell’s lift and replace solution to eliminate discrepancies caused by changes in wind, temperature, barometric pressure, ball construction, club design, swing planes,  age differences, experience, skill, race, religion, sexual preference, political orientation, time of day, lunar position, social status and income, among a total of 3,784 variables that may adversely effect a particular shot.

The list was carefully crafted to include only those variables beyond the players’ immediate control because no one wants to make a mockery of the game.

Players in the first foursome to use the “McDowell Menu of Lift, Clean and Replace” each opted to pick up their ball up at each tee box and replace it in the hole on each green - scoring an Ace on each hole! The front nine was played in record time with each player carding a course record 9.

In an effort for further fairness the group decided to fill out their cards for the back nine without traversing each hole given that one player was a bit tired after walking the front nine, one was prone to getting lost, and all felt that drinking a few beers guaranteed a more equitable use of their time.

The “McDowell Menu” has proven so popular that locals are now not only all scratch golfers but have achieved that status without the need of golf clubs, golf balls, golf carts, golf shoes, golf gloves, golf umbrellas, greens fees, golf tees or really stupid looking clothing.

Oh, this also solves the Anchored Putter Dilemma. Whoot! Whoot!

Thanks, Graeme. Ignore all of those who said you were only looking out for  your own self interest. Your solution is not only fair for you, but also fair for us all.

Next time: Mirror, Mirror On the Wall, Who’s the Fairest of them all? It’s not the USGA.


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