Monday, March 14, 2011

Florida Follies

We’re on our way back from several weeks in Florida, the state that loves to keep it surreal. A little over three months ago the never to be underestimated stupidity of the Florida electorate placed Skeletor in the governor’s mansion. Despite “liberal” application of ItLooksJustLikeHuman skin products and using Scott as an alias, an examination of his policies betray Skeletor’s true identity.

In this short time Governor Skeletor has cemented his position nationally as the BiteMe Governor, easily outdistancing his Wisconsin alter ego. One must admire his consistent BiteMe-ism to high speed rail and its attendant 5,000 jobs, unemployment insurance benefits, teachers, unions, migrant workers, the Florida Supreme Court, and a host of other undesirables living off the sweat of Sunshine State bazillionaires.

However, any criticism must be tempered by the limitless generosity to two of the most needy Floridians, Jack “The Golden (indeed) Bear Nicklaus and Derek Jeter. While gutting hundreds of millions of dollars from Florida’s already sad excuse for public schools, Governor Skeletor supported giving The Golden One millions to design golf courses with high rise luxury hotels to replace five state parks that would be leveled for The Nicklaus Trail. Skeletor emphasized that the project would complete the Nicklaus legend as possibly both the greatest golfer and destroyer of public wetlands, endangered species and hiking and bike trails of all time. He explained to his detractors that the cut in school funding was necessary to ensure a growing, poorly educated workforce to fill the many low-paying jobs created along the Trail including, bagboys, maids, shoe shiners, and golf club polishers among countless career alternatives. Now that’s a win - win.

As to everyone’s heart throb and hero, JeterBoy. Governor Skeletor has proposed dissolving local growth management groups that, in a grotesquely unfair and blatantly political motivated decision, restricted the height of the The Great Wall of Jeter that JeterBoy proposed building to isolate his estate from the rest of the known universe. Said Skeletor, “What right does govmint have to tell someone I love as much as JeterBoy what he can or cannot build anywhere at any time regardless of the impact on the surrounding community of morons? When yer the richest dude on the block, yer also the smartest. Besides, if you can’t live in a gated community in Florida with big-ass fences, razor wire, and armed thugs, where can you?”

In a rare moment of candor Skeletor Scott was overheard telling the Anointed One, “If I could I would run a 27 lane highway through the center of this sun soaked sand dune and fill the coasts with hotels, casinos, and strip malls. Yo, Obama, now that’s growth you can rely on.”

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