Not Chad Yet

No doubt Chad is on his way back. We're sitting in the first mini-blizzard since we've moved, with memories of Central Square, snow blowers, and shovels at the ready. It's interesting to watch when you're safe, warm, and fed. Not so much if you're not. Please drop off a contribution to shelter or food bank. An increasing number of Americans rely on them.

And in the basically mundane world of collegiate-level professional sports, every once in a while a team go off on a real run. Not the 7 - 0 micro-run. Not the 14 - 4 compact sedan run. But the 18 - 1, 4th quarter, game-over run. Yesterday, Syracuse closed out UCONN with one of those in front of the largest audience of the season; over 33,000 people, the largest crowd, nationwide, this season. Scoop Jardine gave a masterly performance; C.J. Fair may be coming of age; Dion Waiters played with attitude and swagger an backed it up; Fab Melo unleashed an effective jump shot; Kris Joseph let the game come to him and when it did, he was effective; Brandon Triche was the 3rd guard today and deserved to be; and we saw Jim Boeheim's classic seven man rotation he'll play in the post season. Quite a show.

Baseball: "Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing." T. Kupferberg

Golf: "Oh, Tiger we love you. Our television ratings are in the out of bounds without you." The PGA and ESPN

Football: "Tebow. Tebow. Tebow. Tebow. Tebow. Tebow. Tebow. Tebow. Tebow." Just getting a jump on the 2012 training camp stories.

Hockey: The Sabres are showing signs of like. Coach Lindy Ruff broke three ribs in practice and the team plays better. They may only be two broken legs from the Stanley Cup. Is hockey violence a little over the top?

Tennis: A few guys are really good.

Ping Pong: ??????

Squash: Only on Thanksgiving.

The First Ever Chad Picasner at Large Intergallactic Survey

You have infinite power of decision, but have no control over the options from which you must choose. Those options are at the discretion of the evil genius, the dark lord of Picasnerland, Chad "The Ripper" Picasner.

Options Vol. 1

You must choose between the following:

1. Derek Jeter is cut in spring training and retires to his Florida conclave.

2. Pizza disappears. It's gone. Never to be made, ordered, deliverd or eaten. No more pizza!!!

The results will be posted next Sunday. Unless Chad is back and I can stop this nonsense.

Chad should be back from cruising in a couple of days. He knows we've missed him and he'll more than make up for his absence with a boffo (Hollywood talk) column of deep insight and enormous length. So, P, get your can back here and on the job. Even I'm losing interest here.

I might as well ask the question that every SU fan I've run into today asked: What's up with Brandon Triche riding the bench, particularly in the second half? Dion Waiters is playing "Brick Mason" when he shoots, and The $64,000 Question (boy, that dates ya', {Sarah Palin speak}) when he's trying to decide what to do when he's forced to handle the ball.

Scoop Jardine is the only real point guard on the playing roster and will actually play the position to a relatively high level, for a half - and you never know how or when that "half" might be sprinkled throughout the game - so, in spite of frequently providing a more than ample supply of "duh!" moments and brain cramps, he's got to play.

I know coach Jim Boeheim has other issues at the moment, but there appear to be many people who are as confused as I (now that's got to be dangerous) why Triche is collecting splinters.

I was watching a game on Tuesday night and the talking heads described some player as the most improved player over last year in all of D1 college hoops - and it wasn't Fab Melo. Can you imagine any player in the nation improving more than Melo? Last year he couldn't run the court once, shoot the ball in the ocean, do more than a three inch vertical jump, or guard anyone. This year he is a defensive monster in the middle, consistently runs the court, dunks off alley-oops... need I say more? I won't name the misinformed bozos to protect the stupid.

I was one of the many who turned off the Duke - UNC game with three minutes left, secure in the knowledge that Thomas Dewey was elected President (Google Dewey if you need an explanation) only to be very surprised in the morning.

In case you missed it, the NY Giants beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl. Neither the Cowboys, Packers, or 49ers played in that game. (Rubbing it in speak).

Please drop a note if you have figured out how to listen to Jim Rome on ESPN radio without driving your car off a cliff. Jim is the Rush Limbaugh of sports radio. He repeats the same statement over and over and over until, regardless of how inane, it begins to sound accurate.

Super Bowl Sunday. Many will party in the afternoon. Fewer will really care about the game when it finally starts. Even fewer will be sober or awake when it ends. That being said...Go G-Men!

Michael Kay Does a Great Interview - Mike Tirico Does Not

ESPN's Bill Parcells: Super Bowl Confidential provided a deep perspective on coaching Super Bowl teams. SU alum Mike Tirico does a poor job, posing questions with irrelevant lead-ins and providing dumbed-down recaps of the eloquent answers just provided by Parcells.

The sequencing of the questions and supporting film clips is disjointed but Parcells' answers to every question are enlightening, engaging, and delivered by a coach who has lived those answers multiple times.

There might not be a better pre-game show for the remainder of the week.

During commercials I watched play in the first half of the UCONN - Georgetown game. Dick Vitale doing any game explains why remotes have mute buttons. Dick Vitale doing a Big East game explains nothing.

The game wasn't much to watch either. UCONN set a new, season-low scoring mark in a 58 - 44 loss.

There are two interesting DIII matchups this weekend. Nazareth hosts Ithaca in Rochester Friday night at 8 in the Empire 8. Nazareth is tied for first in the conference with Hartwick and Stevens, all at 7 - 2. Ithaca, 5 - 4 in conference play, will be looking for their second win of the season over Naz and a spot at the crowded head of the E8 standings.

On Saturday in the SUNYAC Oswego travels to Cortland in a rematch of the teams occupying the top two spots in the conference. Oswego comes in at 12 - 0 in the conference, 16 - 3 overall. Cortland is 9 - 3 and 14 - 5 respectively. Oswego squeeked out a 69 - 67 win at home on 1/21.

In the Big East, SU Big Baby (and not in any Glen Davis kind of way) Fab Melo has been reinstated and is eligible to play at St. Johns at noon, Saturday.

National Get A Life Day, aka National Letter of Intent signing day is over! People of the world, relax...whether your team got all or none of they guys they were after. Remember, statistically, 75% of those signing letters today will be spending their time with Chad at the dry cleaners in cognito. (You had to be there.)

Ho Hum

It's January and it's a shame to waste any time trying to find something of even minor significance to report from the realm of Yankee baseball when there is a real blood-sport in our midst. No, not the Super Bowl but the Florida republican primary - although each is being fought by a handful of enormously rich, arrogant, trash talkers.

One more week until the Super Bowl. It's pretty clear that most people are far more interested in the menus being served at parties they will be attending than the teams that are playing. Willard has spent so much time and energy disclaiming everything positive he accomplished as Governor of Massachusetts that he'll be rooting for the Cowboys in this one. Newt will be rooting for the Giants and Patriots, both despicable, northeast 'elites', to lose.

Our boy Newt is reaching new highs in reality disconnects, today blaming his most recent fumbling debate performance on simply being overwhelmed by the enormity of Willard Romney's lies. Granted, Willard's characterizations of the President of the United States has been and remains lie-based, but c'mon Newt, you've lied your way through three marriages and a resignation as Speaker of the House. What lie could an amateur like Willard fabricate to throw you off your game?

In other NewtNews, according to a new report from Kids Count, a Michigan based organization, 51% of Detroit's children live in poverty. Hey Newt, do you think there's enough janitorial openings for all of these impoverished kids? Perhaps the answer is Newt's proposal to create a permanent colony on the moon within 9 years. In 2005 NASA administrator Miichael Griffin estimated that landing four astronauts on the moon by 2018 would cost 104 billion dollars. Now four astronauts is not a colony, but if you are willing to suspend reality and can imagine creating a new, enormously expensive space program from nothing in under a decade without raising taxes, then anything is possible - except solutions to the very real problems we face on Earth. Poor children? Not Newt's problem. Nor Willard's.

Can you imagine the fun Picasnser will have with Prince Fielder and Miguel Cabrera playing in the same infield? We already know with the Wide Glides at 1st and 3rd there won't be room for a SS and 2nd baseman. The Tigers may well be the first team outside of slow-pitch softball to play consistently with five outfielders.

The Florida media markets are awash in "He's a Douche Bag" political ads. I suppose that's what to expect when the candidates are all douche bags. If I have offended any republican, libertarian, or douche bag - suck it up sissy pants.

Jim Boeheim told all Syracuse Orange fans to calm down, get a life, and stop whining about the fact that SU will be wearing Nike Corporate Uniforms in a stunning platinum (no, not the dreaded gray) for one and only one game. Yes, Jim, we know, it is indeed all about the Benjamins.

The DIII basketball Final Four is scheduled for March 16 - 17 at the Salem Civic Center. If your close and are a fan of quality basketball, you'll enjoy this. This will be our third year there. The Roanoke/Salem area has friendly people, natural beauty, and some outstanding restaurants.

Good News

Good news is sometimes hard to come by (and impossible to find if you watch Fox) but what could be finer baseball news than to hear that the Blue Jays have signed Omar Vizquel, if only for an opportunity to come to camp and compete.

The 3-time All Star, "The Minister of Defense", will be 45 this season. He is admired and respected throughout baseball and we may have an opportunity to see him in the twilight of his career in Toronto.

Adam Bunch at 'the little red umbrella' was kind enough to share some "old" Omar stats and facts:

...no one in the majors today has played more games or had more at-bats than him

...no one else has ever played more games as a shortstop, ever

...he played against a guy who had played against Mickey Mantle

...he's older than nine of the 30 teams in baseball

...when he started his career, the Yankees still sucked

Rest Easy.

Vod

Bon Voyage

Jorge Posada had a long, successful career with the Yankees. The mortality check of retirement was obviously fearful for him. Rest easy, Jorge. Yankee fans present and future will appreciate your work.

Governor Christie, when will Pennsylvania fly flags at half mast in remembrance of the victims abused on the Penn State campus?

Fab Melo is an idiot. It's what every SU fan is thinking so let's get it documented. Last year it was relationship and anger management issues. This year it's irresponsible academic issues. Fab, it's time to buck up, sissy pants. In the meantime...

Monday's win in Cincinnati was impressive. Jim Boeheim was at his best.

Jim Burr was at his worst, until Boeheim read him the riot act and he started to actually pay attention to the play.

James Southerland and CJ Fair: their shooting stunk but they played solid defense and combined for 13 boards.

Rakeem Christmas really played well.

Dion Waiters: The less said the better.

Brandon Triche: GlueMan! Solid stats, indispensable leadership all night long.

And the seniors, Joseph & Jardine: Rough starts for both but they responded to the energy and grit of the sophomores, GlueMan's leadership, and turned in the offensive pop the team needed to win.

Playing without a seven foot, mobile center is providing unexpected opportunities for experience under fire that will harden this team throughout league play. Without Melo, SU will remain a tough out. Notre Dame was fortunate to get them when they did. If Melo can get his life together, grow up, and come back and contribute, March Madness just might have an Orange glow.

Baseball. 25 days until pitchers & catchers report. SWWC. Looking forward to a major Jack Kemp Memorial Super Bowl Party in Buffalo, Daytona, The Masters, and then baseball.

Chad and Annie are shoving off for a Caribbean cruise next week. Given current events, I've taken out $10M of key man insurance on the real force behind this blog. That's right, if Annie doesn't return, I'll be driving a new Mercedes and voting republican.

IT WAS PREDICTABLE

***SYRACUSE LOSES***
Notre Dame is a tough place to play and their fans strive to be like Duke fans with their chants, but they have no imagination. "Air Ball!" "Air Ball!" We used to do that back in high school in the '60's (No, not the 1860's). The Orange didn't shoot well or rebound well. It looked like they were forcing everything. They really missed Fab Melo, who was left in Syracuse because of "an unresolved academic issue from the fall semester." Jim Brown texted Melo with the comment, "C'mon. Those basket-weaving classes are important."

***YU DARVISH IS IN, PRINCE FIELDER IS...?***
One of the Texas Ranger owners has stated that he didn't think Fielder's price would fit into their budget. Now the Washington Nationals seem to be the front runners. Without the Yankees, Red Sox or Dodgers involved in the bidding, free agents like Fielder have very little leverage. He does have Scott Boras on his side which means if there is One Dumb Owner out there, Scott will find him.

***WHERE'S THEO EPSTEIN WHEN YOU NEED HIM?***
One of the Red Sox problem areas the last couple of years has been shortstop. So what do they do? Trade their best hope for that position, Marco Scutaro, to the Rockies, to free up payroll. Word is they'll try to sign Roy Oswalt. They better hope he's not a ground ball pitcher.

***THEY SAID IT***
" Question: What's the difference between Aussie Open tennis players Li Na and Barbora Zahlavova Strycova? Answer: Most of the alphabet." -- RJ Currie
"The Cleveland Indians pitcher formerly known as Fausto Carmona apologized for lying about his name and his age. After Leo Nunez of the Marlins was caught doing the same thing. If they are ever traded for each other it could be the first trade solely involving two players to be named later." -- Janice Hough
"The Raiders are looking for a head coach. Is there another Harbaugh brother? Actually, no. However, Jim and John have a sister named Joani. And the Raiders have not been afraid to break new ground." - Scott Ostler
"U.S. track athlete Nick Symmonds offering to put someone's Twitter name on his left arm to the highest bidder: "I'm interested. My Twitter handle is '@Nick Symmonds is an idiot.' " -- Greg Cote
"Disney's interested in buying Frank McCourt's team. So the Dodgers may still suck, but at least the bathrooms will be clean." -- Jerry Perisho
"Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum is asking for a record $21.5 million in salary arbitration. Team officials, to their credit, have resisted the temptation to ask, "What's this guy been smokin'?" -- Dwight Perry
"Los Angeles Kings forward Dustin Penner injured himself leaning forward to eat pancakes. I believe this is sign No. 1 an athlete may be injury prone." -- Brad Dickson
"Rob Lowe tweeted this week he had information that Colts quarterback Peyton Manning was retiring. Or at least that's the Lowe-down." -- RJ Currie
"Dennis Rodman is trying to start a women’s topless basketball league. Fans will be commenting on the two pointers, and the game hasn’t even started. Beer will be served in various cup sizes, with DD being the largest." -- TC Chong (TC's having a lot of fun with this one.)
"In the midst of their divorce, Deion Sanders' wife claims he suffers from Narcissism. Do you know what they call people who believe that Deion Sanders is a narcissist? TV set owners." -- Brad Dickson

Okay, I'm not funny today, but obviously other people are.

CP-

WELL, IT IS A "FANTASY" CAMP

***THE LADIES FANTASY CAMP***
I don't know if other teams do this, but the Yankees have a fantasy camp solely for women. It runs from Thursday to Sunday , with Friday and Saturday being the actual game days, and cost $1950. Their ages ranged from 26 to 67 (Annie-O is already working out) and they were split into four teams, each coached by a Yankee "legend." They were taught how to field ground balls by Bucky (F***ing) Dent and pitching by David Wells, who also probably ran the 'Happy Hour' afterwards. The hitting coach was pitcher Al Downing, which makes no sense to me, and outfielding was coached by Mickey Rivers, which makes even less sense. It must have been difficult getting Mickey away from betting on the ponies at Hialeah. One of the coaches was Oscar Gamble, who also doubled up coaching the hair styling sessions. It must have been fun, however, as a local woman who attended, is ready to go back next year.

***AROUND THE LEAGUE***
## Trouble in Detroit: Victor Martinez blew out his knee during off-season workouts, and may be lost for the year. Does this make the Tigers prime candidates for what's-his-name,...uh... Prince Fielder?
## Speaking of Prince: agent Scott Boras is starting to sweat a little: He claims to have had a meeting with Marlins GM, Michael Hill. It turns out, they passed each other in the hall and Scott stopped him for a couple of minutes to exchange pleasantries. If he has an actual sit-down meeting, Boras may call it a marriage.
## Money problems in beantown?: Like the Yankees, Boston has mostly stayed out of the free-agent market and are trying to sign their current players. Jacob Ellsbury, who hit .321 with 32 homers and 105 RBI's, was signed for $8 million. Only $8 million? Kei Igawa makes more than that and he's still eating his lunch in Trenton. (Thankfully!)
In the meantime, David Ortiz, who made $12.5 million last year, is asking for $16 million, while the Sox are offering $12.65 million. Wow, a $150,000 raise. Big Papi must be thrilled.
## Waiting for the other shoe to drop: Now that they have opened the floodgates, sports writers and analysts are waiting for the Yanks to pull off another big trade to get a bat to replace Jesus Montero. I wouldn't be surprised.
## It won't be these guys: There are a couple of familiar names still available, DH types all of them. Guys like Vlad Guerrero, Johnny Damon and Hideki Matsui. I'm not sure this is what Cashman has in mind, since he stated that his plan is to use the DH spot to 'rest' some of his veterans on a regular basis. This makes Eric Chavez a more viable candidate.
## Lincecum goes high end: Tim is heading for arbitration and he's asking $21.2 million. This is the highest asking amount ever in arbitration history. The Giants are offering $16.5 million. This should prove interesting.
## Other Giant news: The Giants have signed 3rd baseman Pablo Sandoval. While contract addendum's such as no basketball, no snowboarding, etc., are common, the weight-challenged Sandoval has a clause that includes no Big Macs. MacDonalds in the San Fran area are currently busy cutting payroll (just kidding).
## The Texas two-step: The Rangers have until five o'clock today to sign Japanese phenom, Yu Darvish. If they don't sign him, not only does Darvish lose a big pay day, but his Japanese team, the Hokkaido Nippon-Ham Fighters (is pork dangerous in Japan?) also lose their $51.5 million posting bid. The odds are sill in the Rangers favor.

***THEY SAID IT***
"Hiroki Kuroda continues to send signals to the Yankees and Red Sox that he wants to sign with one of those two clubs. One source familiar with the negotiations described the Red Sox as being "nowhere near close" on Kuroda, while the Yankees were characterized as mostly kicking tires." (written on 1/13 @ 6:00 P.M., Hours before the Yanks signed him.) -- Jason Stark
"At the moment, the Clippers coach is Vinny Del Negro. Now I have nothing against Vinny Del Negro but...Del Negro doesn't make your team better, he just makes sure all the players get on the team bus." -- Norman Chad
"Riots break out among old people lining up to purchase Nike's throwback/retro Air Mikans." -- a 2012 prediction by Scott Ostler
(A funny line if you're old enough to know who George Mikan is -- and I'm not telling.)
"Miss Wisconsin Laura Kaeppeler — en route to winning the Miss America pageant — introduced herself to a national-TV audience by saying, "If you're watching, Aaron Rodgers, call me." The Green Bay QB's girlfriend, we assume, has already ruled this one an incomplete pass. -- Dwight Perry
"The network is pulling out all stops trying to woo Tim Tebow to work Sunday's AFC Championship as a studio analyst: I just saw the CBS eye, and it was wearing eye black." -- Brad Dickson

CP-

Timing is everything. Spending the last week on Myrtle Beach golf courses while our buddies in Central New York deal with the first winter storm has been delicious.

Spending the last week in Myrtle Beach during the run-up to the South Carolina republican primary has been more painful than a Central New York snow dump. Talk about piling it higher and deeper. Every media outlet has been inundated with charges that either Willard Romney, Rick "Praise Cheeses" Santorum, or our own benefactor "The NEWT" is the sleaziest pol in the universe. Well, I'm convinced. They all are.

Picasner insists that each post should include something at least marginally related to sports, so here goes.

On Saturday, the North Carolina Tar Heels starred in a remake of the Night of the Living Dead in a lop-sided loss to Florida State.

Tom Jackson and Trent Dilfer are ESPN's most insightful NFL analysts. They nailed the Tebow question; it's not just about Tebow. A Denver commitment to Tebow means installing a complete college offense and drafting players appropriate for that offense for the next several years. We'll see if they're willing to take that risk.

Watch basketball or football without the audio and you'll see game detail that is otherwise obscured by the incessant blather talking heads. The Syracuse zone is living art as it expands and collapses with ball movement. Football's violence is accentuated without the expressionless drone of Joe Buck and Troy Aikman. Eliminate the endless "You can't let that happen!" comments about something that just happened and you have a much better game.

A suggestion to the NFL and its broadcast partners. Offer the choice of two audio feeds for viewers with multi-channel audio receivers. One with the standard announcers and one with stadium audio only. If the announcers really add value, people will listen. If the stadium feed is selected the viewer will enjoy a closer "at the game experience." Both feeds will run the commercials keeping advertisers happy.

On the basball side, Michael, Kenny, and Flash have nothing to worry about. Televised baseball is so boring that not only are announcers necessary, but even Flash seems mildly interesting from time to time.

Sun is out. Gotta go.

THEY MADE A MOVE ALRIGHT

***CASHMAN'S BIG SPLASH***
Friday the 13th was bad news for the rest of the AL East. In a New York minute, the Yankees solved their pitching dilemma with two - count 'em, two - top of the rotation starters. Hiroki Kuorda and Michael Pineda, along with a throw-in, Jose Compos, who may turn out to be the best of the three. This gives the Yanks seven starters with Sabathia, Nova and three guys fighting for the fifth spot: Burnett, Hughes and Garcia.
How good will the pitching be? On paper, great, of course, but they still only count the wins you get on the field. Dwight Perry had a different take. He says the Yanks should go after 6'4", 275 lb Prince fielder. Add him to 270 lb Pineda, 290 lb Sabathia, 280 lb Betances and 250 lb Garcia, and you've got a pretty good offensive line.
It's no secret that the Yanks would love to dump Burnett, but the money issue will not go away. How about this: package Burnett, Austin Romaine, Nick Swisher and cash to the Dodgers for Matt Kemp? Red Sox owner John Henry would be hollering "Evil Empire" at the top of his lungs. Sox manager Bobby Valentine (small letters for a small mind) wasn't impressed by the trade. He said Pineda was 'okay' and Kuroda was 'a year older.' Ouch, Bobby.
So congratulations to Brian Cashman for another last-minute, out-of-the-blue, stunner.

***THE BASEBALL WRITERS ASSOC. ANNUAL DINNER***
It's being held on Saturday, and the 1962 Mets are being honored, since it's their 50th anniversary. You have to wonder if somewhere in the association, there is a tongue firmly entrenched in a cheek, because the '62 Mets record was 42-120 (.259). Roger Craig lost 24 games, Al Jackson lost 20 games and Jay Hook lost 19 games. The Mets also made 240 errors, but they were the most lovable team in New York.

***THEY SAID IT***
In honor of the Mets, let's lead off with the most lovable: Casey Stengel.
In a mound meeting, he once asked pitcher Bob Miller how he felt. "I'm not tired," Miller said. Casey replied, "Well, your outfielders are."
When a writer asked, "How do you keep your boys on their toes?" Stengel said, "We raise the urinals."
For all his kidding and "Stenglese," Casey knew exactly what kind of team he had: "There will be two buses to the park from the hotel. The two o'clock bus is for those who need a little extra work and then there will be an empty bus leaving at five o'clock."
"Dennis Rodman announced plans to coach a new topless women's basketball team. There will be a short preseason followed by a full slate of exhibitionist games." -- RJ Currie
"Good news for you insomniacs out there: Just 9 ½ months until they play the next Alabama-LSU football game." -- Dwight Perry
"Preparations are under way for the Pinball World Championships. It's a lot like college football bowl season only with lower scores." -- Brad Dickson
"Hostess filed for bankruptcy three months after CC Sabathia went on a diet. Coincidence? I think not." -- Brad Dickson

CP-

OH NO, NOT AGAIN

***IS MANNY REALLY IN PLAY AGAIN?***
I can't believe this. There are rumors that the Seattle Mariners have shown a mild interest in Manny Ramirez. Why? How can you possibly trust him again? Buster Olney, usually a voice in the wilderness, had this to say:
"To me, Ramirez has been a total embarrassment in how he's carried himself in recent years -- but I respectfully disagree with Larry (Columnist Larry Stone, Seattle Times) on this. If Manny can hit, if he can help the Mariners' offense, why not? He would come with virtually zero risk because he'll be playing for little more than minimum wage, and if there's any problem in his production or in his behavior, Seattle could just cut him. It would be that simple..."
Simple? Yes, very simple. Manny is simply 40 years old, maybe older. Manny simply couldn't hit with Tampa (even with PEDs) and couldn't hit with the White Sox before that. And finally, Manny simply QUITS. He did it twice with the Red Sox and once with the Dodgers. He quit for the last time (I hope!) when he was busted for steroids. Now he wants to be a "role model?" Certainly not a role I want my grandkids to follow.

***ARE THE YANKEES PREPARING TO MOVE?***
Some of the beat writers are saying that because the asking prices for some free agents are slowly decreasing, the Yanks will finally pick up one the veteran pitchers they have been talking to: Hiroki Kuroda, Edwin Jackson or Roy Oswalt. They currently are all looking for multi-year deals and all have been asking for $10 million plus per year. This is just what the Yanks say they have been trying to avoid. Scott Boras is even sidestepping Brian Cashman and talking directly to Hal Steinbrenner, trying to break up the log jam. Perhaps Boras thinks he's found the One Dumb Owner. I hope not.

***THEY SAID IT***
"Jay Cutler says he has no details about his and Kristin Cavallari's upcoming nuptials. That's the great thing about being a guy; wedding plans take care of themselves." -- RJ Currie
"The Hostess baking company will file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, according to the Wall Street Journal. So much for Manny Ramirez's dream of landing a Ding-Dong endorsement." -- Dwight Perry
"The Angels have re-signed Kendrys Morales, out since he jumped on home plate and broke his ankle after hitting a grand slam in May 2010: "Morales' new deal has both a no-trade and no-celebration clause." -- Greg Connors, Buffalo News
"Jan. 26 is "Bob Uecker Day" in Wisconsin, in honor of the beloved Brewer broadcaster's 77th birthday. You might want to check the fine print, though, before buying any front-row tickets for it." -- Dwight Perry
"Final BCS game stats. LSU offence: 96 total yards. LSU Marching Band: 200 total yards." -- TC Chong

CP-

HERE AND THERE

***CONGRATS TO BARRY LARKIN***
A good player who had decent numbers and benefited from being on the ballot with people who will probably never make it. An excellent fielder and active in the community (Cincinnati), a clubhouse presence and a very popular player. I'm a tough sell and wouldn't have voted for him, but I'll accept him over some others on the ballot. And you know who you are, McGuire.

***ANDY CAREY DIES***
A good fielding thirdbaseman and a decent hitter. Hidden in a Yankee lineup that included guys like Mantle, Berra, Skowron, Bauer, Howard and Billy Martin, he quietly went about his business as a true professional.
Two things stand out in my recollection of Andy:
During Don Larsen's perfect game, Jackie Robinson smashed a hard grounder to Andy's left which Carey managed to get a glove on and deflect towards SS Gil McDougald, who promptly threw Jackie out at first, preserving the perfect game.
While at bat in a game, Andy swung and missed two pitches in a row. Mgr. Casey Stengel told Billy Martin to go tell Carey to hit a home run. Billy just stared at him, until Casey screamed at him to go ahead. So Billy ran out, called Andy over and said, "Casey says to hit a home run." As Billy got back to the dugout, Andy hit a home run. Casey turned to Billy and said, "I just needed to slow him down a little." (This story came from Billy himself, so I'm not going to swear that it's true.)

***IS SCOTT BORAS WORRIED?***
Gee, maybe he should be. There's only about five weeks left before spring training opens, and there isn't even a hint of who's in play for Prince Fielder. Boras, of course, tells you nothing, saying he has agreement with some General Managers that he will not reveal any negotiations. It may be an easy promise to keep, since there doesn't seem to be ANY negotiations and the ODO (One Dumb Owner) is more elusive than ever before.

***THEY SAID IT***
"Illinois beat UCLA in the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl. Should Kraft really be sponsoring that? The makers of Cheez Whiz, Nabisco and Stove Top Stuffing need to tell their customers to start eating a little less." -- Jim Barach
"Bowl games were traditionally named after fruit -- the Orange Bowl, the Peach Bowl, the Citrus Bow but now fast food companies are getting into the act. At the Little Caesar's Pizza Bowl, the fans were constantly reminded of the sponsor. For the coin toss, instead of a coin, they used pepperoni." -- Bob Mills
"Kodak is reportedly working on filing for bankruptcy. Apparently they realized they were in trouble when it was pointed out they haven't sold a roll of film since 2005." -- Jim Barach
"The NBA season has begun. Lakers fans will find Kobe Bryant in three positions this season. Front court, back court, and divorce court." -- Alan Ray

CP-

GOODBYE JORGE POSADA

***POSADA TO ANNOUNCE RETIREMENT***
For a guy with as much pride and stubbornness as Jorge, this is a pretty big decision. Those of us who follow the Yanks all year, could tell that Posada was on his last legs, but Jorge didn't seem to think so. I hoped I wasn't going to see him struggle through games in another uniform, until an ignominious release took place, but it looked like that's what Posada was going to make happen. I read that he told his agent not to solicit offers but merely field those that came his way. None did. Maybe that's what changed his attitude. Whatever it was, I'm glad to see him leave before any embarrassment, such as the great Willy Mays stumbling around the Mets outfield, trying to prolong a great career.
So now two of the "Core Four" have retired with the third likely to go after this season. Jorge was a clutch player on the field and a clubhouse presence that will be missed. Thank you, Jorge.

***GIANTS WIN BIG***
I don't write about football too much, but I have always been a big Giant fan along with the Jud of Phoenix. I don't know how far they'll go, but yesterday was fun at least.
Two comments: At the half, the 10 or 15 Fox analysts (how many actually were there?) said there were two "questionable spots" on the ball. Actually I thought that pretty much EVERY spot was questionable. I have no idea what the line judge was looking at, but it wasn't what I was seeing.
For most of the beginning of the game, the Falcons were stuffing the Giants running game and pressuring Manning like crazy. Then, late in the 2nd quarter, the Giants changed their offensive line set up. Instead of lining up straight across, they set their guards, tackles and tight end into "V" formation, which gave the linemen a little more time to adjust to the rush of the Falcons front four. After that, everything began to click.
Did anyone else realize that, although the final score was 24-2, the Giants actually scored ALL the points in the game?

***THEY SAID IT***
"Just a reminder, if the groundhog sees his shadow Feb. 2, that means six more weeks of college bowl games." -- Brad Dickson
"The University of North Dakota finally bowed to NCAA pressure and agreed to change its Fighting Sioux nickname. UND will now be known as the Stomping Suh." -- Dwight Perry
The Vatican is hoping that Tebow won’t have to play against The Saints! -- TC Chong

There is a controversy brewing over the Hall of Fame: what to do about the PED users. Some sportswriters are upset that the burden of choosing - deserving or not deserving - has been thrust upon them and they don't like being put in that position. Well, as Mike Lupica likes to say, "Shut up!" You get the honor of voting, so take the responsibility, too. Bob Ryan of Boston has done just that:
http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=7438726&categoryid=2378529

CP-

HE'S BACK!!! and more interesting than any recent Yankee news

Our boy is about to play Bury the Hatchet and is taking aim at W. Mitt(?) Romney's head. Today, a Super-PAC associated with the Newt outbid all comers for the rights to a scathing 30-minute attack video depicting Romney as a greedy, job-killing corporate raider "more ruthless than Wall Street."

The video, When (W.)Mitt(?) Romney Came to Town, focuses on Romney's tenure as CEO of Bain Capital, a private investment firm, where W. Mitt(?) made millions exploiting "dozens of American businesses" and "the thousands of employees that worked there."

W. Mitt is about to learn that it's safer to juggle with high explosives than go negative on Newt as he did in Iowa. No, W. Mitt.. You're not in Iowa anymore.

Note: Isn't it ironic that W. Mitt(?) is a leading contender for NEWT of the Month?

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT - PART II

The last few tidbits from 2011:

** Italian swim star Filippo Magnini lost a 100-yard race to two dolphins. I wasn't impressed until I heard that the race was on land.

** On the cold weather during the World Series: I thought there was something wrong with my TV until I realized it was just the cameraman shivering.

** The Yankees are hard at work scouting the latest Japanese super-star, pitcher Yu Darvish. I guess they figure that Kei Igawa needs a roommate down in Trenton.

** The Oakland Raiders have signed wide receiver, T.J. Houshmandzadeh, over the strong objections of the teams equipment manager, who says they won't have enough room for a number on the back of his jersey.

** With Melky's .305 batting average and 18 home runs, the Giant pitching staff is organizing a ticker-tape parade down Divisiderio Street, which is appropriate, since, like the Giant offense, Divisiderio Street is all downhill.

** Why the Red Sox didn’t hire Dale Sveum as manager: Well maybe Lucchino didn't want a manager whose name looked like a misspelling.

** Jorge Posada to the Mets? Jorge Posada made a pitch for the job, but the Mets stressed the word "catcher," and promptly hung up.

** I'm sure Barry Bonds is devastated over his "punishment." 30 days of house arrest, which should be more accurately labeled "mansion" arrest. And, he's appealing it! What's he want, 60 days mansion arrest? In the meantime, his trainer spent better than a year in prison, because he wouldn't testify against Bonds. Hopefully, Barry will send him a thank-you note.

** The Yanks and the Red Sox are the only teams in MLB that have been hit with a luxury tax. The Yanks will be paying $13.9 million, the same as they pay a utility infielder.

***THEY SAID IT***
Coach K at the press conference after unranked Temple upset #3 Duke: "Saw it coming? C'mon. If I saw it coming, I would have faked an illness."

"Supermodel Adrianna Lima says one of her New Year's resolutions is to meet the Dalai Lama. Imagine that introduction? Lima, Lama; Lama, Lima." -- RJ Currie

"Vancouver is one of the cities chosen to receive a Lingerie Football League team. I have secured a pair in Section DD. (tickets that is)" -- TC Chong

"Boston is America's drunkest city, in the estimation of TheDailyBeast.com, with adults there consuming an average of 15.5 alcoholic drinks a month. OK, 11.5 — not counting the Red Sox clubhouse." -- Dwight Perry

"Bowl season is winding down. This is traditionally the time of year men look up and realize that the bank foreclosed on their house weeks ago and moved them and the TV into the yard." -- Brad Dickson

CP-

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT...

Here are a few of last year's comments that amused my wife and editor, Annie-O.

**Jamie Moyer's going to miss the 2011 season while the doctors sew on a new arm. I don't think this is his first replacement arm, either. I'm sure I saw a used one of his in Cooperstown last year. It was right next to a red and white sock.

**Manny Ramirez will quit on you for reasons as silly as he doesn't like the brand of hot dogs being sold in the concessions.

**On a basketball ref who is deaf: I don't think the deafness is any problem, especially when you consider that there seem to be a number of refs out there who are blind.

**ESPN was upset at a Bobby Knight curse: What's the big deal? When you hire Bobby Knight, why are you surprised when you get Bobby Knight?

**On Ohio St’s problems with the NCAA: Apparently Ohio State's honor code is, "Hope we don't get caught."

**After Yogi Berra tripped and fell on the carpet in the clubhouse: Hank Steinbrenner immediately fired the carpet.

**Nick Johnson has signed a contract to go on the DL with the Cleveland Indians this year.

**A standing joke in central New York in the '50's was that Jimmy Brown majored in basket weaving @ Syracuse Univ. Don't laugh; word is that even today, he can fabricate a basket for you in 30 minutes. With a handle.

**The Yanks sign another older pitcher: No, the Yanks aren't worried, they're just getting a head start on next year's Old Timers game.

**Dwight Perry says that the Tampa Bay Rays have cancelled 'Manny Ramirez Bobblehead day' for obvious reasons. It's a shame they had to cancel the event for the person from whom 'Bobblehead' got it's name.

**More on Manny: Making a tremendous diving catch of a throw...intended for someone else. He's still the only major leaguer in history who has been credited with an interception.

**…that 'great motivator,' Joe Girardi, couldn't convince the wicked witch of the west to come in out of the rain.

**You know your pitcher isn't doing well when the grounds crew drags the infield AND the warning track in the fifth inning.

**Josh Hamilton has said that the reason he doesn't hit as well during day games is, that he has blue eyes. Yes, and my dog ate my homework.

**On Jarrod Saltalamacchia’s long name: The back of his uniform says, "Continued on next jersey"

**The Dodgers have fired former first baseman Steve Garvey from their Marketing and Community Relations Department. Considering his personal history with women, it's apparent Steve and the Dodgers had a different idea as to what 'Community Relations' meant.

**The huge number of appearances by Scott Proctor a few years ago and his signing with the Yankees: Scott joined the Scranton Wilkes-Barre team on Tuesday. His arm is expected to join him in a few days.

**On micro-managing Tony LaRusso: He over-manages everything from what pitch to throw to whether the players are to use mayonnaise or mustard on their sandwiches after the game.

**Manny Ramirez was arrested yesterday on a charge of Battery during a domestic dispute. Manny may be retired, but it appears he can still hit.

**On Mark Scutaro missing a grounder because of a splintered bat: Great players handle it. Derek Jeter, for example, would have avoided the bat, caught the grounder, started a double play and built a birdhouse out of the pieces of the bat.

**The Yankees will have a ceremony honoring Roger Maris before the game tomorrow. No truth to the rumor that Bud Selig will throw out the first asterisk.

**Brian Cashman has admitted that the Yanks faked interest in Carl Crawford to drive up the Red Sox bid. After signing a 7-year, $142 million contract, Crawford immediately faked interest in playing.

More tomorrow--

CP-

Hurrah! Iowa has Spoken (Squeak)

123,000 Iowans, richer, older, and whiter by far than anything resembling the average American electorate, have told us even they are beyond confused about the choices for a GOP November nominee. Now, this would be just another so what, who cares moment if it weren’t for one unsettling development.

No, it’s not that Willard Romney, the big fat liar, is claiming a landslide, 8 vote win over Rick Santorum. NBC made news way back in June by challenging Mitt Romney on his claim that President Obama has made the economy worse. Now Romney is taking up his dubious claims once again, saying in Iowa that Obama “lost 2 million jobs”—false—and that Romney created 100,000 jobs at Bain Capital, for which there is no evidence. Fact checkers at PolitiFact and The Washington Post concluded that Romney’s “100,000 jobs” boast is at best unsubstantiated, and it’s possible that his layoffs outnumbered his jobs created during his time at Bain. Mitt, if you can’t beat Santorum with the big lie you need another party to run in.

No, it’s not that Rick Santorum finished in a virtual dead heat with Willard. By way of reference, Santorum is the candidate with the strangely shaped, giant head who says gays are like people having “man on dog sex” and calls contraceptives “evil”. While both are popular with the open-minded, tolerant Iowan evangelicals, what gave his campaign a huge, late boost was his sweater vest. Santorum’s vest even has it is own Twitter account, @FearRicksVest, inspired by a comment he made about climbing the polls after attending Mike Huckabee’s anti-abortion forum in Iowa. Santorum admitted that he spoke well at the event while wearing his lucky garment. “So all of a sudden the sweater vest was like, ‘Fear the vest,’” Santorum told radio host Laura Ingraham. The sweater appears to be gaining him points. On Fox News Tuesday morning, Ingraham said that “people find it endearing; they kind of like it.” In fact, the vest is so popular it has its own Facebook page, Tumblr, and a music video called “Sleeves Slow Me Down”—a series of clips of Santorum sporting the grandfatherly garment. While Santorum is celebrating his sweater getting more votes than either Rick Perry (heading back to Texas after losing to habadashery) or Michele Bachman (heading back to planet Witless), he still has been unable to gain the endorsement of his own nephew. Just a few hours before the Iowa caucuses got underway, Santorum’s nephew John Garver has posted a petition at The Daily Caller against his uncle’s candidacy. “My uncle Rick cannot fathom a society in which people cooperate and work with each other freely,” he writes. “When Republicans were spending so much money under President Bush, my uncle was right there along with them as a senator.” So who does the 19-year-old University of Pittsburgh at Johnstown student think deserves the Republican nomination? None other than Ron Paul, of course.

No, and it’s not Ron Paul’s flameout. Too much has been written by, for, and about Ron Paul and now is the time to move on to anything else.

So that leaves us with Newt. How could the namesake of the most coveted achievement award in contemporary popular culture lose to a clown-car’s worth of candidates? I’m simply at a loss. When the man with the acerbic tongue, three wives, three religions, always rambling and frequently contradictory ideas, wampeters, and grand faloons can’t motivate more than a couple of Iowans to come in from the cold and cast a vote for the “intellectual leader of the republican party”, all hope is lost for interesting discourse.

Might as well talk about the biggest off-season news from the Yankees. Andru Jones re-signed.

Sob.

A new year and new beginnings (or, in some cases, endings)

Sacre bleu! Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly have recently been spotted cavorting in Paris. Derek was touring the Maginot Line with his newly reconciled sweetie pie in hopes of picking up some ideas for defending his Florida compound from the prying eyes of, well, everyone. (If you are under 65 please feel free to google "Maginot Line" for context.)

The Denver Bronco's third straight loss may signal the beginning of the end for cult hero Tim Tebow as an NFL quarterback. While neither team put up 300 yards of total offense, Tebow's 6 - 22 for 5o passing yards and a 20.6 QB rating was both sad and baffling. I applaud the Broncos for following the advice of Skip “He-Who-Really-Should –Never-Be-Named” Bayless, i.e. “UNLEASH TEBOW”, and proving, once again, that Skip Bayless is an idiot. However, if anyone decides to run the single wing as their primary offensive set, Tim is their man.

This week The So What, Who Cares Bowl (aka the Iowa caucuses) kicks off our interminable presidential election season. Just a reminder to anyone who mistakenly believes they are in any way significant - more people attend a Penn State football game in Happy Valley than will cast votes in the caucuses.

Nothing new in Dallas to begin the year. Once again, the Cowboys will watch the post-season from the comfort of their own mansions. Note to Rob Ryan: Rob, you really need to listen to more Jimmy Buffet music. Remember Rob, "If you ever have a chance to go to Dallas, take it from me pass it by."

Think Peace in 2012 – especially on election day.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

***A FEW QUICK RESOLUTIONS***
-- I will not get irritated by the inane comments of Tim McCarver (I won't listen)

-- I will allow 'Flash' Flaherty to say once a game, "He didn't try to do too much with it ." (Obviously, Flash doesn't)

-- I will continue to avoid the name "The 'Cuse," when referring to Syracuse. (Wish everyone would)

-- I will continue to give thanks for Mariano Rivera (as do all the Yanks)

-- I will not mention the name 'Sergio Mitre.' (Hopefully, neither will Brian Cashman)

-- I will continue to enjoy the three-hour lunches with family and friends

If you see or hear me break one of these, please mention it and I will be properly apologetic. Don't expect money.

**A cable snapped and sent an overhead camera crashing to the ground in the fourth quarter of the "Insight Bowl." Um, don't you think they should have seen this coming?

**The Red Sox have signed closer Andrew Bailey. In response, the Yanks have inked former Red Sox reliever Hideki Okajima. Hideki Okajima? Really, Cashman, is that the best you could do?

***THEY SAID IT***
"Dover, Del., International Speedway, at the behest of its ever-widening fan base, says it will increase the width of its seats by four inches. Hey, it was either that or take gravy off the concession menus." -- Dwight Perry
"Experts told Reuters that to be safe, breast implants need a lifetime of care. I like to think I am a caring person." -- Cam Hutchinson
"NY Rangers have demoted Sean Avery again this year. He has been sent to their minor league team in Connecticut. Would this qualify as “Sloppy Seconds”?" -- TC Chong
"Playboy model Megan Dills had to miss a photo shoot after getting trampled at a basketball game when elated Hoosier fans stormed the court. That's today's sports rundown." -- RJ Currie

CP-

AROUND THE HORN

## For a while it appeared that Jorge Posada might end up with the Phillies, but when Philly signed Jim Thome, that possibility went out the window. Not even an American League team could afford to have two left-handed pinch hitters who can't play in the field anymore. C'mon Jorge, you're starting to embarrass yourself.

## The Yanks and the Red Sox are the only teams in MLB that have been hit with a luxury tax. The Yanks will be paying $13.9 million, the same as they pay a utility infielder.

## The rumor is that Carlos Beltran made another bid to become a Yankee. When he originally hit the free agent market back in 2005, he supposedly offered the Yanks a discount to sign him. The Yanks refused and Beltran went to the Mets. Beltran has now signed with the Cardinals as the Yanks have passed on him again. Why is that? Bad Breath?

## The Mets have asked starting pitcher R.A.Dickey not to climb Mt Kilimanjaro as part of a charity event. Dickey's career record is 41-50, which could make him the Mets #1 starter.

## A-Rod went to Germany for Orthokine Therapy on his knee, as recommended by Kobe Bryant. Oh, those are two guys you want to see together. The only difference between these two, is that A-Rod didn't have to buy the jewelry.

## The market on Prince Fielder seems slow. To help it along, Scott Boras has produced a 73- page book, listing the advantages of signing Fielder. I'd like to read it, but I guess I'll wait till the book signing at Barnes and Noble.

## You can't fool the bookies. The papers are full of stories about Syracuse's first big test, playing Big East rival, Seton Hall. The Hall is 11-1 this year and beat the Orange in Syracuse last year. It should be a tight game. By the way, the line on the game is Syracuse -15 1/2. Yeah, real tight game.

***THEY SAID IT***
"The fact that there has been little public buzz over Fielder means nothing. Boras operates in the darkness, amid smoke and shadows and illusion. No team interested in Fielder knows where it stands." -- Richard Justice, MLB.COM
"Researchers at a New York university say the leading cause of sickness over the festive season is overexposure to Christmas trees. A close second is Bowl games." -- RJ Currie
"Texas signs Japanese pitcher Yu Darvish but stipulates that he must change his name to Y'all Darvish." -- Mark Whicker, Orange County Register
"Ah, New Year's Eve in Times Square. For once a ball drops and no one's demanding it go to instant replay." -- Dwight Perry
"During her bus tour of Iowa, Bachmann has a strict “no questions” policy. From the debates, we know the candidates have no answers. Now there are no questions either." -- Brad Dickson
"Reports indicate the Toronto Blue Jays ended up 2nd in the bidding for the rights to negotiate with Japanese pitching sensation Yu Darvish. In that case, go with Texas, as the sushi from the Gulf is a step up from Lake Ontario." -- TC Chong

CP-

A FEW THOUGHTS

***A FEW CHRISTMAS PRESENTS THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN***
...but should have.

## A retirement party for Bud Selig. This would have been a nice present for me, too.

## A top-of-the-line starter for the Yanks. How long are we going to have to wait for Seattle to part with King Felix? I have a better chance to date Jennifer Aniston. (and I'm one of the few that hasn't).

## A major Bowl game WITHOUT a corporate sponsor.

## And while we're at it, baseball stadiums that aren't named after corporate sponsors. Want to play a game? Here's five stadiums and five cities. Match 'em up. (answers at the end)

A. Citizens Bank 1. Oakland
B. Progressive Field 2. Kansas City
C. AT & T Park 3. Baltimore
D. MinuteMaid Park 4. Detroit
E. US Cellular 5. Miami

## Anger management classes for Yorvit Torrealba, who was suspended for 66 games in Venezuela for striking an umpire. Imagine how much bigger the punishment would be if he had called him a name instead.

## An across-the-board reduction in ticket prices for sporting events. No, I haven't starting celebrating New Years yet, I'm just hoping.

## A gag for Rex Ryan. Norman Chad wrote: "I don't mind that Ryan always thinks he's going to win the Super Bowl, I mind that he act's as if he's already won the thing. Ryan is king of a small world -- his own." I didn't like Rex's dad, Buddy, either.

***THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL OLD***
Mike Lopresti wrote a column that included a list of momentous sports occasion. I've been around for too many of them.
## Bobby Knight won his 3rd National Championship at Indiana -- 25 years ago
## Joe Montana won his first Super Bowl -- 30 years ago
## Franco Harris' "Immaculate Reception" -- 40 years ago
## Wilt Chamberlain score 100 points in a single game -- 50 years ago
## Babe Ruth called his homer in the World Series (maybe) -- 80 years ago
And No, I wasn't around for that one.

Quiz answers:
You shouldn't have gotten any of them, because the cities listed were all wrong. My point is that no one should have even tried. It should have been obvious that nothing matched. For the record:
A-Philly
B-Cleveland
C-San Francisco
D-Houston (you get 1/2 point if you said Miami)
E-Chicago (and I don't have to tell you it's the White Sox, right all you Cub fans?)

***THEY SAID IT***
"On Christmas Eve, Brandon Jacobs cursed out Rex Ryan, who cursed back; on Christmas Day, Dallas fans booed and made obscene gestures at the NBA commissioner and Kevin Garnett choked a New York Knick. Who says Christmas and sports don't mix?" -- Brad Dickson
"The Orange Bowl has turned down a planned sponsorship deal with Camacho Cigars. When it came time to put it to a vote, bowl officials say, it was close but no ... nah, too easy." -- Dwight Perry (Wow, Dwight Perry showing restraint .)
Protests were threatened in Montreal because Canadiens coach Randy Cunneyworth doesn't speak French: "Nobody knew what Casey Stengel was saying, either, and nobody picketed Yankee Stadium." -- Len Berman
"As of last week, Nevada had sold a total of 10 tickets to the Hawaii Bowl. That's pretty bad when your fans are outnumbered by the guys in the huddle." - Brad Dickson
"Penn State quarterback Matt McGloin's locker-room argument with backup wideout Curtis Drake escalated into full-blown fisticuffs. Which certainly gives a whole new meaning to "hitting the hot receiver." -- Dwight Perry
"There are rumours the NFL will make Ndamukong Suh take anger management training. I just hope it's more than a one-step program." -- RJ Currie
"Derek Jeter reportedly gives each woman he sleeps with a gift basket of baseball items to remember him by. Which may tell you how memorable the sex was." -- RJ Currie

Hopefully, future postings will include more quotes from TC Chong. Thanks, Tony.

CP-

IT'S THAT TIME OF THE YEAR

MERRY CHRISTMAS !!
TO ALL OF OUR FRIENDS AND RELATIVES OUT THERE.

WE THANK ALL THOSE CELEBS, WRITERS AND ATHLETES WHO PROVIDE US WITH GRIST FOR OUR MILL:

The Yanks
The Red Sox
RJ Currie
Brad Dickson
Newt Gingrich
TC Chong (a new guy)
Scott Ostler
Jerry Perisho
Stan Kegel
and, of course,
Dwight Perry

Vod & Chad

I'M STILL HERE

It's been a very quiet winter, with the Pujols signing being the only big splash. The Yankees have been so quiet, you have to wonder if brian Cashman has been tied up, gagged and locked in a closet in Tampa by the Steinbrenners.

** Prince Fielder is the biggest name still in the unemployed ranks. Scott Boras is his agent, so don't think Fielder's price is going down. Boras is the master at finding the "ODO" (One Dumb Owner). If Texas doesn't win the bid for the Japanese phenom, Yu Darvish, they may step into the bidding. Theo Epstein still has to make a big splash in Chicago and Washington sometimes comes out of nowhere, so Boras is still in play.

** Buster Olney cast his HOF ballot yesterday and had some interesting comments on past balloting. For example, in his first year of eligibility, 23 voters did NOT vote for Willie Mays. 11% of the voters didn't think Joe DiMaggio belonged, in his first year. Buster thinks Barry Larkin has the best chance of being elected this year.

** Next years voting will be ver-r-r-y interesting. Some of the names that come up: Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Sammy Sosa, Craig Biggio and Mike Piazza. At some point, all were mentioned in connection with PEDs. There will, of course, be the election of someone whose only claim to fame is one significant act, i.e. Bill Mazeroski's home run. I'm sure Curt Schilling will get votes for the "bloody sock." His stats aren't too bad, tho'. 216 wins and a career 3.48 ERA. An 11-2 post season record will help, too. I just hope they don't mention the sock on his plaque.

** I'm sure Barry Bonds is devastated over his "punishment." 30 days of house arrest, which should be more accurately labeled "mansion" arrest. And, he's appealing it! What's he want, 60 days mansion arrest? In the meantime, his trainer spent better than a year in prison, because he wouldn't testify against Bonds. Hopefully, Barry will send him a thank-you note.

***THEY SAID IT***
"I thought I was watching the movie "King Kong" on TV. An enormous hairy creature was climbing the Empire State Building. Turns out, it was actually the Milwaukee Brewers' Ryan Braun doing offseason conditioning. Braun, the reigning NL MVP, reportedly tested positive for the highest level of synthetic testosterone ever seen in an MLB player. The last time this much male testosterone was seen in an athlete, it was an East German woman." -- Brad Dickson
"Breaking news : David Stern does not approve Kobe's divorce. Vanessa moves back in." -- Jerry Perisho
"Raiders fans are clamoring for QB Terrelle Pryor. Yep, the rookie third-stringer who has yet to take a snap in a game and is more of a project than that bicycle you will be putting together on Christmas Eve after seven eggnogs." -- Scott Ostler
"Dodgers manager Don Mattingly will don a dress and portray Mother Ginger in "The Nutcracker" for his hometown Evansville (Ind.) Ballet. In other words, a tutu pitch." -- Dwight Perry

CP-

HERE AND THERE

## Here's a new theory on how to handle the press and fans of your former team: send in your wife. Albert Pujols didn't try to justify or explain why he left the Cards for the Angels, he let his wife Deidre do it. I guess he figured, hey, she's a beautiful articulate woman, what could go wrong? Good try, but no cigar. She claims that the Cards lied about their offer, going only to five years which she considered an insult. She also said, "When it all came down, I was mad. I was mad at God because I felt like all the signs that had been played out through the baseball field...Let me say that Albert and I never, not one time, ever made plans to leave this city." I don't think this is what Albert had in mind, blaming God.
Before He gets to the "It's not about the money" aspect, as so many free agents do, lets make one thing clear. Albert never met with the Angels owner, Arte Moreno, never met with the GM, and never met with the manager, Mike Scioscia. He just accepted the offer. Apparently, meeting with the Angels accountant was enough. A method often used by the Yankees.

## Speaking of the Yanks, they have been so quiet this off-season, that the only headline on ESPN concerning the Yanks, has to do with their signing Freddie Garcia, which occurred almost two weeks ago.

## The Red Sox appear to be closing the door on re-signing their captain, Jason Varitek. They have signed a one-year deal with catcher Kelly Shoppach, who hit a whopping .176 last year.

Last year, at this time, I made fun of some of the bowl games. This year, Brad Dickson has done a far better job and I can't compete. See for yourself:
http://www.omaha.com/article/20111211/NEWS/312129996

***THEY SAID IT***
"The L.A. Lakers reportedly tried to acquire Chris Paul in a three-team deal possibly involving Andrew Bynum or Pau Gasol. And a pair of Kardashians to be named later." -- RJ Currie
"Reigning National League MVP Ryan Braun reportedly tested positive for so much testosterone that it was twice as much as had even been found in a major league player. Braun said he'll comment soon, but right now he's too busy shaving 19 times a day." -- Brad Dickson
"Congress has opened the way for horse meat to be sold for human consumption: "I recommend No. 4 from the last race at Hollywood Park." -- TC Chong
"Arte Moreno spent $331 million on just two players? Can we just start calling them the Los Angeles Yankees of Anaheim?" -- Dwight Perry
"The teams listed 6-7-8-9 in the final BCS rankings are not going to BCS bowl games. Teams ranked 10, 13, 15 and 23 are. Makes complete sense to us." -- Carl Steward

CP-

TWO QUESTIONS

***BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN***
Okay, sports fans. Here are your questions:
Who was the MVP of the National League this year?
Answer: Ryan Braun of the Milwaukee Brewers
Who was recently suspended for PED use?
Answer: Right again, it was the same Ryan Braun.
Braun has appealed his 50 game suspension, because he says the testing was flawed. Early reports indicate that he may have a case, but no player has successfully appealed a suspension for drug use. That's MLB for you; guilty even when proven innocent. We'll continue to watch this one.

***THE "NON-CONTACT" SPORT***
Cincinnati and Xavier had themselves quite a brouhaha (Annie-O's looking up that word), last night. 8th-ranked Xavier ran all over U of Cincinnati, 76-53, but Xavier's star guard, Tu Holloway, wasn't satisfied with that and engaged in a little trash-talking with the Cincy bench and Cincinnati player Kilpatrick until all hell broke loose with 9 seconds remaining. There will be multiple suspensions when the officials sort this one out.
Kudos to Cincinnati coach, Mick Cronin, who told reporters after the game, that he, "...literally took the jerseys off some of the players himself, and they wouldn't be allowed to put them back on until he determined who was worthy of playing for the Univ. of Cincinnati." Cronin says he also asked officials to start calling technical fouls on all the trash-talkers, to try and stem the hard feelings, but that never happened.
We'll probably see replays of this all day. Maybe players all over the country will learn something from this, but I doubt it.

***A BETTER WAY TO END A GAME***
#1 ranked Kentucky was beaten by un-ranked Indiana, 73-72, on a last-second three point shot by Christian Watford, followed by a court-storming by the Hoosier fans. You gotta love that kind of enthusiasm. Of course, I am always for John Calipari getting beat. Basketball the way it should be.
They mentioned early in the game, that it was being broadcast back to Kentucky to 53 radio stations and also to Indiana to 43 more stations. That's quite a fan base for both teams.

## So with #1 Kentucky getting beat and earlier, #2 Ohio State losing, is it possible that #3 Syracuse will be named #1 in the country on Monday? I'm not sure they deserve it quite yet, but it is exciting.

## The Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl pits Illinois against UCLA, two teams with 13 combined losses, and is appropriate for participants that are obviously from hunger.

## Tim McCarver has been named this year's winner of the Ford C. Frick award by the National Baseball Hall of Fame, which is awarded to a broadcaster for "major contributions to baseball." I've never been a big fan of McCarver, but I will congratulate him for winning the award in hopes that it means he's retiring.

***THEY SAID IT***
"The rats are bigger than pigs out there in Wrigley Field. You want to take a look? I think the rats are lifting weights." -- Former Manager Ozzie Guillen
"Dwight Howard bolting Orlando for the Clippers would be like your wife leaving you for Arnold Horshack." -- Mike Bianchi, Orlando Sentinel
Lindsey Vonn had a four-race win streak since splitting the sheets: "I heard 43 World Cup skiers filed for divorce this week." -- Charlie Gay
"Michael Jordan's future neighbors at an upscale golf development in Jupiter, Fla., are already complaining about his boisterous posse and cigar-butt littering on the course. If they think that's bad, wait'll he starts sticking his tongue out at them." -- Dwight Perry
A genetics group studying American males says men under six feet tall have more children. In a related study, 99 per cent of geneticists haven't heard of the NBA. -- RJ Currie

Just thought you should know: Manny Ramirez has been officially re-instated by Major League baseball. Let the bidding begin (Hah!).

CP-

Foxx News: Fair to Rare and Increasingly Unbalanced

What to do when your "news personalities" Glenn Beck and The NEWT go off the farm for richer lives in Figment of My ImaginationLand and the republitwit primaries? No problem. The creative team at Foxx, never at a loss for for identifying the next scary boogey man to shake us in our boots, have outdone themselves.

Mommies and Daddies! Run! Hide! Save your children from... THE MUPPETS!!!!!!!!

http://motherjones.com/media/2011/12/muppets-fox-news

Warning!! The above link contains video clips from Foxx News that may cause belly shaking laughter, intense head scratching, and utter disbelief in sentient beings.

View at your own risk.

IT'S OFFICIAL

***BOBBY VALENTINE IS NOW A RED SOX***
Usually you're officially a new member of a team when they announce you at a press conference. Not so in Boston. Bobby V is officially a Red Sox because he has publicly announced, "I hate the Yankees." Yeah, we get it. Can we all go home now? Think you hate them now, Bobby? Wait till the season starts.

***AROUND THE WINTER MEETINGS***
## As we stated earlier, Hanley Ramirez has refused to move to third to make room for Jose Reyes. He reportedly said he wants no part of an "...A-Rod demotion." Is he going to demand a trade? A man who hit .243 with 10 home runs last year and has a reputation of playing hard only when he feels like it, doesn't have a lot of cards to play. And, they're all low ones.

## Big Papi has accepted arbitration from the Red Sox. Good thinking on his part. No one will pay him what he'll get in arbitration and will certainly not give him a multi-year deal.

## The Marlins are really playing hardball. Pujols took too long to make up his mind on their 10-year, $220 million offer, so they pulled it and promptly made a deal for Mark Buehrle. Looks like Albert will end up back in St. Louis.

## CJ Wilson is still trying to pull off a long-term, big-money deal. No one seems inclined to offer one, so he may wind up back in Texas, who has expressed interest in retaining him. They may go to 5 years, which is a big change from previous offers.

## A lot of sports people seem to think that the Angels are ready to make a big money plunge into the free agent market, but no one knows where. We haven't heard too much about Prince Fielder lately. Maybe he's a candidate.

## Big rumors that the Yanks are shopping AJ Burnett hard. They're even willing to absorb some salary. Annie-O says she's willing to kick in a few bucks, too.

## The Yanks have won the bid on infielder Hiroyuki Nakajima, who will be used as a back up for Jeter & Cano. I hope he doesn't get used too much. I'll be looking up the spelling of his name all summer.

## Free agent Roy Oswalt, who's 34 years old and has a bad back, is looking for a three year deal. Good luck with that one, Roy.

## Sergio Mitre is a free agent and available. Just thought you might want to know. Here's hoping Brian Cashman doesn't find out.

***THEY SAID IT***
"Celtics guard Delonte West reportedly met with Nike to try to convince them to go into the condom business. Possible slogan? Don't just do it." -- RJ Currie
"Turns out two passengers sustained minor injuries in Ndamukong Suh’s car crash this past weekend. One described him as “going so fast, it was violent.” Bet that’s the last time anyone riding with Suh tells him to “step on it.” -- Janice Hough
"A man lost in an Alaskan storm says he survived on cans of frozen beer. Cracked a Bills season-ticket holder, "And that's unusual because ... ?" -- Dwight Perry
"Because the NBA season begins on Christmas, to kick things off the Minnesota Timberwolves will be losing to a team of elves." -- Brad Dickson
"The San Diego Chargers lost to the Denver Broncos in overtime Sunday. They're now 4-7. The Chargers' season has really blown up in their faces. I'm not sure if those are lightning bolts on their helmets or the Chevrolet Volt logo." -- Wendel Potter
"Well, the NFL today suspended Detroit Lions defensive lineman Ndamukong Suh. For two games, he repeatedly slammed the head of a Green Bay Packer player into the turf and then stomped on the guy's arm. See, in the NFL, that gets you a two-game suspension. At Walmart, it gets you a $2 waffle iron." -- Jay Leno
"A Swedish lingerie chain is under fire for making female employees wear name tags displaying their bust size. Certainly sounds like a personal affront." -- RJ Currie

CP-

PLAYOFFS?? PLAYOFFS??

ESPN is having a lot of fun these days, reliving coach Jim Mora's famous "Playoffs?" rant. For those of you living in a cave, in a press conference after an Indianapolis Colts loss, a reporter asked if the Colts still had a chance at making the playoffs. Mora's response was to repeat the word playoffs a number of times in an incredulous manner. Really pretty funny. In fact, they built a beer commercial around it. That's when you know you've made it.

Which brings to mind one of the inconsistencies of the sporting world, at least to me. Why is it that one of the country's major sporting events, college football, has no playoffs, but everyone else does? Professional sports leave no stone unturned when it comes to producing games that have a chance at championships hanging in the balance, games that produce income. But college football doesn't. No, they have coaches and computers determine who gets to play for the crown. Granted, you do get the occasional Cinderella (meaning 'unworthy') team winning the championship, such as this year's St. Louis Cardinals, but usually the team that wins, is one of 4 or 5 that deserve it.
But here's college football's big game that leaves a couple of really good teams without a chance to win it all. Why don't they have playoff games? Don't they need the money? They do have a kind of playoff system, but it doesn't matter if you win or lose, you're still not going anywhere. They're called "Bowl Games," and they are full of pageantry and history. ...They just don't count.

***THE WINTER MEETINGS***
Baseball's big off-season event is under way down in Dallas. So far, the big player is the Florida...excuse me, Miami Marlins. They have already signed closer Heath Bell for $27 million dollars and shortstop Jose Reyes for $106 million. They have met with the agent for Albert Pujols twice and are supposedly ready to offer a contract in excess of $120 million and all the Cuban sandwiches he can eat. The last time the Marlins did something like this, they won a World Series...and promptly sold or traded everyone away the following year. The Marlins now have to convince shortstop Hanley Ramirez to change positions. That didn't work so well when they suggested it last year. This could be fun: two guys standing at shortstop and no third baseman.

In the meantime, the Mets are down to one legitimate major leaguer on their roster, David Wright, whom they refuse to trade, claiming they're trying to win in 2012. They can't make a trade, because no one wants their players. They're trying to lure free agents by moving the fences in, but they'd have to move them to the edge of the infield dirt to make it attractive enough for the hitters, but then the free-agent pitchers won't go for it and the current staff is already on their knees saying a rosary.

The Yankees are quiet with GM Brian Cashman saying he's, "...not going to be stupid." No, he'd rather jump off a building than sign some of these high-priced free agents. And, in fact, he did jump off a building. ...Dressed as an elf. Cashman's nothing if not a man of his word.

***AWARDS***
This is the time of the year when all the awards are handed out, such as MVP, Cy Young, etc., or the debates start on the Heisman Trophy and the FIFA player of the year (That's soccer for those of you who don't have an Abby Wambach as a native of your town).

The University of Detroit Mercy has honored former coach Dick Vitale by naming it's basketball court after him. Wouldn't a megaphone have been more appropriate? ...Baby?

Former Cub third baseman Ron Santo has been elected to the Hall of Fame. Even though I feel his statistics are marginal, I offer congratulations to one of the finest gentlemen of the sport.

***THEY SAID IT***
"Former Canadian Football League stars Joe Kapp and Angelo Mosca, both 73, got into a brawl at a football luncheon. This may be our last chance to see two 73-year-olds fighting until that inevitable Evander Holyfield-Larry Holmes match." -- Brad Dickson
"The posted speed limit on Ole Miss campus is 18 mph - the jersey number of ex-Rebels football great Archie Manning. Let's be thankful Wayne Gretzky never played college hockey." -- RJ Currie
"Venus Williams nearly experienced a Janet Jackson Super Bowl moment in Milan when the left strap snapped on her self-designed tennis outfit while playing Flavia Pennetta. Exhibition match? No kidding." -- Dwight Perry
"A working definition of Bowl Selection Sunday: "The day when we find out which teams that shouldn't be going to bowl games are going to bowl games that shouldn't exist." -- David Thomas
"LSU vs. Alabama again, this time for the BCS championship? Really? The last time a 1 and a 2 produced so little buzz, grandma was watching Lawrence Welk." -- Dwight Perry
"Ndamukong Suh failed in his attempt to have his two-game suspension overturned. Guess NFL commissioner Roger Goddell decided to put his foot down." -- Janice Hough

In case you missed it, Manny Ranirez has reneged on his retirement and is again looking to catch on with a team. Bud Selig seems inclined to give Manny another chance, since he reduced his 100-game drug-related suspension to 50 games. Not that it matters, by the time the 50 games are up, Manny will have forgotten that he isn't retired.
In a related story, Pedro Martinez has officially retired. It took him a year and a half to determine what everyone else already knew.
These two guys just won't go away.

CP-

America Fiddles While the Permafrost Burns

Fabulous news for baseball fans everywhere south of Boston. Bobby Valentine will no longer provide anal-ysis on broadcasts! Thank you, Boston, for relieving us of a nagging pain. Now if Bobby V could find find room on his staff (or in the Charles River) for Joe Buck and Tim McCarver...

Today, Skip Bay-less (don't we all wish he would) predicted that Valentine would win the World Series within two years. I checked the calendar. It wasn't April 1st.

The Hall of Fame Ballots are out. Read it and weep.

Farewell to the Hermanator. One more incompetent narcissist flames out of the game of charades. With The Donald out getting $1,000 coifs, Michele Bachmann returning to The Twilight Zone, and the Hermanator rushing off to nearest boudoir, the Elephants are left to choose from Willard 'My First Name is Mitt' Romney and The Horniest Man on the Planet, I Wed Three Wives, The Mad Bomber of Congress, Our Own Repentant Sinner, The NEWT! Quite a treat for the 1%.

Tim Tebow. Praise Cheeses! And that's all we've got to say about that.

E$PN will air 31 of the 35 bowl game$ that will be played by the good, the bad, and the truly UGLY, aka UCLA. Too bad they won't keep the$e meaningle$$ clunker$ under rap$ for a$ long a$ they buried the Bernie Fine tape. But they have a re$pon$ibility to $hove a$ much meaningle$$ $**t down our throat$ as po$$ible.

And our trained-seal-citizenry watches this stuff? Then again... today, while searching for an appropriate birthday card for one of the sweetest woman I have ever known (yes, Annie, that's you), I was able to find Hallmark cards with multiple references to 'hot turds', 'farts', urination ('pee', actually), and sagging breasts ('boobs' in the current Hallmark vernacular). I have posted a letter to

Hallmark Customer Service

P.O. Box 419034

Mail Drop 216

Kansas City, Missouri 64141

asking them to please let me know what standard these cards meet that is consistent with 'caring enough to send the very best'.

I will certainly consider Hallmark the next time I need to offend someone with toilet humor or crude double entendre. In the meantime, I await their reply while shopping elsewhere.

Finally, congratulations to corporate America and its running dog consumers for turning Thanksgiving into a fuel stop for the Black Friday-Shop Small Saturday-Cyber Monday TriBuyathalon. I will note that this now-suckiest-of-all-holiday-perversions has been of enormous benefit to the body armor and pepper spray industries.

But wouldn't everyone be safer if all shoppers carried concealed firearms? Where's the NRA pansies when we really need them?

Oh yes, the headline. The horribly polluted Cuyahoga River, flowing through Cleveland into Lake Erie, attracted national attention in 1969 when it caught fire, although not for the first time. Randy Newman quipped that 'Only God can make a river but only man can make it burn'. Here we are, over 40 years later, and are torching off far more formidable natural features than rivers. Methane gas, escaping from enormous and rapidly growing expanses of permafrost, is providing spectacular pyrotechnics and, within five years, will boost the amount of greenhouse gases injected into the atmosphere by 30%. Aren't we ever so clever?

Have a great day. Do something.

THE SILLY SEASON IS HERE

It's not in full swing yet, so the sportswriters are having to make up a lot of the rumors. It doesn't matter, people embrace the silliest rumor so easily that even the sportswriters are having trouble trying to keep a straight face.

** The Pirates are so enamored with Andrew McCutcheon that they're thinking of signing him to a long term contract. Of course, to the Pirates, 'long term,' means one year.

** Jason Varitek may be wearing a New York uniform next year. No, not THEM, the NY Mets, who are looking for a right-handed hitting catcher. Jorge Posada made a pitch for the job, but the Mets stressed the word "catcher," and promptly hung up.

** The Cubs are shopping Matt Garza, hoping to fill a number of holes in their lineup. Theo Epstein is counting on his new 'BFF,' Brian Cashman, to send him some actual major leaguers. He's interested in Nick Swisher, Brett Gardner, Eduardo Nunez and any one of the Yankees' phenom pitchers. At last report, Cashman hasn't stopped laughing.

** There is a report that some of the veteran Red Sox players are unhappy with Bobby Valentine being chosen as the new manager. Bobby V. is quite the disciplinarian, so there goes the beer and fried chicken. Colonel Sanders can't be too happy, either.

** ESPN analyst Keith Law claims than Yankee pitcher Ivan Nova's record is due, for the most part, to pitching behind the leagues best offense, and says he will fail to live up to his "inflated, superficial stats" in 2012. Wouldn't you think Nova's 3.70 ERA might have been a factor, Keith? Keith's title is 'ESPN Insider." Maybe they should let him out a little more.

** There appears to be more interest in the free agent market for Prince Fielder than Albert Pujols. One reason is age. Fielder is 28 while Pujols is 32, and there a growing belief that Albert may be even older than his 'official age. Here we go again.

Things sure are dull when the Yankees aren't throwing players and money at every free agent out there. Normally, free agents like CJ Wilson and Mark Buehrle would already be raking in millions of Yankee dollars, but Cashman is making life difficult for the rumor-mongers with his sit-tight attitude. Come on, Brian, have a heart. Have dinner with Scott Boras or something and give the writers a chance to earn a living.

***THEY SAID IT***
"MLB's minimum pay is going to $500,000 under terms of the labor deal. Remember when $100,000 was the highest baseball salary? Or to put it another way, I'll trade you five Mickey Mantles for one Eduardo Nunez." -- Len Berman
"The new MLB contract between the owners and players will reputedly include testing for HGH. Translation- The players have found something better." -- Janice Hough
"In the NFL on Thursday night, Poor Alex Smith. Yesterday he spent so much time on his back under large men, the 49ers QB was named an honorary Kardashian." -- Janice Hough

A-Rod is not happy about this:
"After lengthy and heated negotiations, L.A. Dodger home run wizard Matt Kemp has signed a new contract with the club. Under the terms of his new pact, he'll receive $160 million in salary and three Hollywood starlets to be named later." -- Bob Mills

"Arnold Palmer hit his 20th career hole-in-one at age 82. Afterward in the clubhouse he bought everyone a round of Metamucil." -- Brad Dickson
"Bears quarterback Jay Cutler will be out six weeks after breaking one of his thumbs. In a related story, the Broncos released Kyle Orton after six weeks of twiddling his." --RJ Currie

What the heck is going on in Syracuse? The Police Department isn't talking to the District Attorney, Bernie Fine isn't talking to anybody and Jim Boeheim is talking to everybody - out of both sides of his mouth.

CP-