Saturday, July 05, 2014

What a great day to be an American, everybody.

July 4th! What a great day to be an American, everybody.

Ignoring the fact that over one quarter of the United States population lives in areas of ubiquitous poverty, and even more experience food insecurity during any given month, the Nathan’s Famous, Inc. once again chose to celebrate the nation’s independence by sponsoring the Nathan’s Stuff Your Gut with Assorted Ground Up Animal Parts Crammed into Pig Intestines Gorge-fest.

Broadcast over national television, the winning competitor crammed 61 Nathan’s Famous dead animal weenies into his mouth, forced them down his throat to reside, temporarily, in his distended stomach to the applause of thousands of rapt viewers, striking another freedom’s blow for consumerism, gluttony (Isn’t that one of the seven deadly sins? Can’t be.) and thoroughly disgusting conspicuous consumption.

Sadly, the wildly entertaining follow-up Nathan’s Choke & Puke-Athon featuring many of the less experienced animal byproducts eaters was not televised. I really hated missing the projectile vomiting competition where the winning megabarf was reported to be an astonishing 34’9”.

There are rumors that Nathan’s and ESPN have completed a deal to broadcast next month’s Nathan’s Enema Extravaganza – a much needed colonic cleanse for competitors still suffering the ill effects of solidified brain, eye and foot parts creating unwanted blockages in their poop chutes.

Hats off to Nathan’s for reminding us what being American is all about on our nation’s birthday. Nathan’s, a name we should remember on every trip to the grocery store. 

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