Wednesday, July 04, 2012


Let's start with the most obvious: Ozzie Guillen.  Here's his latest rant.
"Make sure Miami people don't (expletive) Bell," Guillen told reporters, as quoted in the Miami Herald. "Bell gave up two runs. How about the rest of the (expletives) 10 or 12 runs they scored? That's why this (expletive) game is not (expletive) fair. "It's Ozzie talking (expletive)? No. It's Ozzie talking the truth, about how (expletive) we were before that (expletive) inning. Put that (expletive) down!" That's eight curses in six sentences. C'mon Ozzie. How much of this (expletive) do we have to take?

#  This one only (UGH!) rears it's ugly head about (OOF!) four times a year (ARRGH!).  That's when the four (AAAH!) major tennis championships on being televised (SCREECH!), and we have to listen to the gilrs, excuse me, Ladies, grunt and groan (EEEK!) during every, repeat, every, swing. Oh yeah, the guys do it, too, but not like the "ladies."  Weight lifters don't make as much noise.  Analyst Chris Evert said that Maria Sharapova, one of the loudest screechers, doesn't grunt while practicing, so obviously it's an intentional habit.  If they can grunt, why not the fans. If we did, we'd be ejected, so why not do the same to the players?

#  Anytime Mike Tyson opens his mouth, especially when he tries to sing.  I can't make the point effectively on paper, so try this: Stand next to a blackboard and run your fingernails over it until blood comes out of your ears.  That's the equivalent of one chorus out of Tyson.

The sound of a bat driving a ball out of the park against the Yankee pitchers. Everyone knows the Yanks lead the majors in home runs, but there are only six teams that have given up more.  Teams like Colorado, Houston, Minnesota and Seattle, etc., teams whose pitching staffs make good batting practice pitchers.

  Voices, specifically Tim McCarver, Joe Buck, Dick Vitale, John Sterling, John Flaherty (did I mention Dick Vitale?), that annoy, infuriate and disgust any somewhat informed sports fan.

#  Annie-O saying, "Look what I bought.  It was on sale!"  As Alan King once said, "I asked my wife why she needed a wedding dress, She told me that for $22.50, it could hang in the closet."

"At tryouts for the new Omaha Lingerie Football League team, candidates were judged on their "passing, running and catching skills." Yes, and Miss Universe is chosen for her knowledge of algebra."  -- Brad Dickson
"According to a new study, owning a dog helps men get dates. But not as much as owning a lot of money."  -- RJ Currie
"The emcee for the  weigh-in was New York Mayor Bloomberg.  Got to love it, the man who wants to ban large sugary drinks,  front and center for our country’s greatest overeating competition."  Janice Hough
"Magic center Dwight Howard is a five-tool player: "He can not only score, pass, and rebound, but also whine and complain."  -- Alan Ray
"The most impenetrable line in sports is:  a) Alabama's defensive line.  b) The Cincinnati Bengals' bottom line.  c) Anthony Davis' unibrow."  -- Dwight Perry

Firecrackers signifying the freedom of our great country.


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