Saturday, November 06, 2010

Classified - Burn This Post after Reading

As you know, Picasner and Annie have claimed that they are taking a Caribbean cruise for the next several weeks. Now this ruse may fool those unfamiliar with our Hero and his lovely spouse, but I believe that the faithful reader (the singular form is intended for accuracy) of this column, nee diatribe, deserve to know the truth.

While our Favorite Couple will be in the Caribbean, the trip will be strictly business. While The P lounges on sun-kissed, white sand Jamaican beaches sipping umbrella adorned rum toddies, Annie will be conducting top-level, super-secret negotiations with Brian Cashman in an attempt to settle The Jeter Contract. Why Annie and why Jamaica you may ask.

As Picasner knows only to well, what Annie wants Annie gets. Very clever of the Jete to hire not only his biggest fan but also the woman who taught Idi Amin, Vladamir Putin, and Scott Boras everything they know about the importance of diplomacy, tact, and fair play in a successful negotiation.

If you have any doubts, for only three easy payments of $49.95 you can receive Annie’s best selling training video “Get People to do What You Want and Make Them Like It”. Picasner Products will also include “The Annie-O Getting Your own Way Can be Fun Tool Kit” featuring all of the necessary implements of “persuasion” that Annie herself uses to motivate our Hero to clean the garage, take out the trash, and generally accede to her every desire and whim. Annie-O persuaders include the “Put Your Thumbs in This While I Crank down the Screw”, “Annie-O’s This Will be Fun For Both of Us Leather Whip” useful for both immediate intimidation and late night fun, and the field tested “Dick Cheney Water Board” that helps you get anyone to admit to anything – whether they did it or not.

And why Jamaica? A fiendishly devised plot, indeed. Annie knows that slipping samples of locally grown Jamaican “produce” into salads and deserts will weaken the will of the usually stoic Cashman and, while less likely, may even elicit a smile from the puss of our stone-faced, humorless GM – and that’s certainly something we would all like to see.

Annie-O, we all wish you well on your journey and look forward to another year with a defensive liability at shortstop (she'll yell at me for this one) – or soon to be aged left fielder (can't argue with that). God’s speed.


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