Picasner - A Brief History
Chapter 1 - Picasner Arrives
The year, 1944. The place, The Middle of Nowhere, or as named by current residents, Oswego, NY, a name derived from the Native American expression for "Where the hell are we?" It was a scorching July day for Oswego, the temperatures soaring into the mid-60's, when an early morning rumble stirred the hung-over residents from their slumber. Was this the sign that announced the birth of the Fabled One or the Niagara Mohawk steam station blowing out its stacks? Thus begin the mysteries that still surround Picasner these many years later.
Little is written of Picasner's early years although we know his fascination with the Yankees began with the emergence of Yogi Berra as one of the all time Yankee greats in the late 40's and early 50's. While many believe that the Picasner - Yankee symbiosis was foretold many years before by necromancers, tea leaf readers, and the Oracles of Delphi, Picasner's mom insists it developed from a young boy's confusion with Yogi Berra and Teddy Bears and, in Picasner's early teens, Yogi Bear. Regardless, Picasner has, over the years, grown in stature and deservedly earned the the title Most Ardent Defender of the Faith, Keeper of the Pinstripes, and Bret Gardner Publicist.
In 1962 we get a peek into Picasner's fascination with statistics and scientific analysis. While a senior in high school he played for the Ions, a city league basketball team. Who but a group of closet nerds, and the longest running cartoon show in pop culture history (The Simpsons), name their team after an element with an odd number of electrons. Many have suggested that was not the only thing odd about the Ions. But I digress. Picasner's defining Yankee epiphany occurred that same year when he and the first of Picasner's apostles hitchhiked from Oswego to New York City, a distance of 300 miles, to see a Yankee game - a pilgrimage that strikes fear and panic into the hearts of many, and prompts contemporary parents to scream "Are you freaking crazy!" at their young, aspiring Picasnerites asking to repeat the quest.
Chapter 2 - The Oswego Mission
While Vod and Picasner are the same age, grew up (still hotly debated by Annie-O and LT) in the same small town, and attended, if sporadically, the same high school, their paths rarely crossed. You see, Oswego, New York's Little Siberia, is neatly bisected by the Oswego River into The West Side and The East Side, and as every west-sider knows, east-siders are all punks and thugs and, as every east-sider knows, west-siders are all punks and thugs. It is known that east and west-siders commonly were seen in many of the same venues. The east side had the Oswego Speedway, the west the Oswego Theater. The east side had Stone's Candy, the west Flat Rock beach. But each side usually kept a safe distance from the other, because, after all, the other-siders were all punks and thugs. Actually, history has proven both right given the hord from both sides of the river that are currently serving extended prison sentences or are quietly spending eternity at the bottom of a well. Regardless, the east and west side boys were united through a common culture: the DA hair cut held in place by hair pomade, Wildroot Cream Oil, or 50W motor oil, Chuck Converse All-Star sneakers, appropriate for all events from gym class to the Junior Prom, and a fascination with girls from any side of the river. All were on a quest for an opportunity to get to second base (please note that Picasner still makes much of Bret Gardner's ability to steal 2nd) and free passage was guaranteed throughout the city to the young and the horny.
Finally, in the spring of 1963, the orbits of Vod and Picasner intersected in a crash of cosmic proportions, both attending, again sporadically, Oswego State (a school, not a penal institution - also hotly debated), and both joining Sigma Gamma fraternity (confusion once again playing a large part in the development of Our Hero). While much is known, little can be said of their years together at O-State. Most of the details are contained in sealed indictments and the information that is in the public domain is vehemently denied by past O-State coeds and is the basis of pending civil actions.
I will only point out that following two years of the Vod and Picasner mission in Oswego, New York State raised the drinking age to 21, Buckland's Bar (more commonly known as the V-P lounge) was torn down, and a four lane highway was built to aid a speedy retreat out of town.
Chapter 3 - Annie-O and LT
(The following is the redacted version of Chapter 3 and includes all text not deleted by the aforementioned Annie-O and LT.)
They XXXXXXXXX. Picasner XXXXXXXXXXXX. Vod XXXXXXXXXXXX!
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Never XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. XXXXXXXXXX should have known better XXXXXXXXXXXXXX.
What was I thinking when XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX the best lawyer in XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. How could either of you XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX?
And that brings us up to the current day.
