Save Picasner

Steinbrenner Corp. has been informed that in less than two weeks Picasner will be going on an extended vacation. They have responded appropriately and are opening up a big enough lead over the team that always seems to wear filthy uniforms and has that huge-headed Youkilis fellow, that will allow our Beloved Leader (yes, Picasner is North Korean) to enjoy time away without immediate concern for his favorite pinstriped multimillionaires.

The P will be completing an 8500 mile road trip in 25 days and, remarkably, while the Mrs. will be badgering our Prince of Selective Hearing the entire route, Picasner does ALL of the driving. Now, I have seen Annie-O drive, and what this gentle soul does requires a greatly expanded definition of the term "driving" but, geez, it is 8500 miles, so you would think Picasner might get a break. When queried on this issue of reason and safety, Picasner responded that, indeed, not only does he do all of the driving, but Annie-O has been known to sleep through entire states. Mrs. P, however, informed this writer, "Only through the small ones."

While I don't begrudge a vacation for our hero, I am still waiting for an answer to one central question, "A vacation from what?" Believe me when I tell you that our Barcalounged Hero is royally attended and protected by a dedicated and loving life companion (no, I'm not at liberty to tell you who that is). When I told Picasner I was anticipating his comments from the perspective of "the road" I was informed that there would be no postings, no commentary, no opinions, regardless of how outrageously misinformed and devoid of factual basis, no narratives, no quips, no nothing forthcoming from our revered oracle of the obtuse. For over two weeks. I know you feel the pain and cruelty of this seemingly selfish behavior but there is an explanation - Picasner, astonishingly, has no laptop or other portable computing device and the aggressive schedule for his journey simply doesn't allow for time in locations with public access, on-line devices. Now that's a Bummer.

There is an obvious solution. Someone needs to step up to the plate and provide out boy with the necessary tools to feed our need. There must be a Picasner Addict with a spare laptop, a family member with a debt of gratitude, a sado-masocist Bostonian who needs continuous abuse, or simply a benefactor of the blogo-journalistic arts who recognizes talent when he reads it but will pop for a laptop for our guy in spite of that. Help! Do you really want to live two weeks in a world without Picasner?

"How can I help?", you ask.

The Chad Picasner Foundation for Multi-Tasking on Our Nations Highways is accepting donations to keep our outrageous opinionator connected to his adoring public (when this particular public grows to more than 6 people, adoring and public will appear capitalized) while on the road. Send your check, money order, stamps, spare change, valuable collectibles, bearer bonds, precious metals, and any other non-tax deductible contribution to -

Save Picasner

225 Hillcrest Drive

Central Square, NY 13036

Please make out checks to Cash for quick and easy processing. No contribution is too large or too small and the Foundation promises not to acknowledge that any contribution was ever made, that the foundation ever exited or respond to any inquiries made by any law enforcement agency. Remember, our motto remains, as always, "What are you talking about?"