ARE YOU GETTING NERVOUS?

I'm getting nervous. I didn't see the game, so I'm relying on the ESPN recaps.

**How bad is it? Posada's catching, that's how bad. No truth to the rumor that the Yanks are going to activate Girardi.

**Russell Martin had to leave the game because he bruised his thumb. What's going on with this rash of thumb injuries? First A-Rod, then Martin and I hear that Girardi accidentally bit his while sitting in the corner of the dugout with his thumb in his mouth.

**The Yanks will call up Austin Romaine to catch until Martin heals and Cervelli is cleared to play after suffering from concussion injuries. Girardi won't let Montero catch because "he doesn't know the pitching staff. How much does Romaine know? After two weeks with the club, at least Montero knows their names.
By the way, Romaine sounds more like a dinner salad than a catcher. Lets hope he doesn't wilt under the pressure. (Sorry)

**A-Rod says he won't play because, "It is sore to a point that I can't really do real damage out there to help the team win." No problem A-Rod, there's plenty of damage being done already.

**Isn't it amazing that the two teams with the best records in the American League also have the most players injured? Do their team buses really have red crosses painted on the side?

**I read where Ozzie Guillen says he wants to manage the White Sox for the next 20 years. It must already seem like 20 years to White Sox GM Kenny Williams.

**The Yanks and the Red Sox are both on 4 game losing streaks. Don't start printing those World Series tickets just yet, guys.

***THEY SAID IT***
"Palermo president Maurizio Zamparini fired his 36th soccer coach in 24 years: "Who knew that 'Zamparini' is Italian for 'Steinbrenner'?" -- Ian Hamilton
"The city of San Diego suffered through a 9 ½-hour electrical outage last week, but everyone finally got their power back. Except for the Padres, of course." -- Dwight Perry
"It's only fair in some ways that a Chinese group buys the Dodgers. We've been buying junk from China for years." -- Janice Hough
"To give an idea of how bad the economy is, the NFL had to borrow the quarter for the coin toss from China. And they want it back." -- ConanO'Brien
For Judy & Dave:
"Police in Bristol, Tennessee, caught up with a man outside a Nascar race who was drunk, naked and had a live racoon in his car. They asked him if he'd seen anything unusual." -- RJ Currie
"A New Mexico state trooper in full uniform was caught having sex with a woman on the hood of her car. She was so drunk that halfway through she said, "Hey, that's not a Breathalyzer!" -- Jay Leno

CP-

WE CAN LAUGH NOW...

...I just hope this doesn't turn into a game the Yanks wished they had won in a couple of weeks.

Probably the sloppiest game they've played all year and that includes spring training. Michael Kay said the grounds crew used 170 50lb-bags of drying agent on the infield Tuesday night. I think they broke that record by the 5th inning yesterday. 6 errors, 4 by the Yanks, and 4 wild pitches, 3 by AJ Burnett. Catcher Russell Martin scrambled around back of the plate like a soccer goalie on speed.

None of the infielders had very good games. It was Brandon Laird's first game at first base (he's a third baseman). Buck Showwalter had firstbaseman Chris Davis playing third. Michael Kay explained that both managers wanted to "...see if they could handle another position." I believe those questions were answered by the third inning.

Both managers treated it like it was the final spring training game, with a batting order that appeared to be set up by a committee of the Bleacher Creatures in right field. Eventually, Girardi had the "A" team in the game, but it was hard to tell the difference. Shortstop Eduardo Nunez looked like he was using an oven mitt instead of a glove. (No "hot-potato" pun intended)

Tuesday night, the Yankee management had the fans who stuck out the four-hour delay, move down to the elite seats, and not by announcement, but by personal invitation, one by one, and gave them tickets to a game next season. Yesterday, not to be outdone, they invited the 500 or so fans who braved the rain, by personally inviting them to sit in the dugout and gave them tickets to A-Rod's next press conference. I suspect some of those fans were left over from Tuesday and were just too wet and tired to go home. They won't make that mistake again.

Naturally, under these horrid playing conditions, the game went into extra innings. You could tell that home plate umpire, Gary Darling, was so disgusted, that the only criteria for a pitch to be called a strike, was if the catcher could reach it with his glove. Even Kenny Singleton, who normally gives the umps the benefit of the doubt on close calls, was making comments like , "Well, uh...."

Now they get to do it all over again today, but about 200 miles south in Baltimore, where the weather isn't predicted to be any better. I hope the game is. Oh yeah, the Yanks lost, 5-4.

The only good news is that Boston blew an 8-5 lead in two innings and lost to Toronto 11-10 in air-conditioned comfort at the Roger's Center. No weather-related excuse for them.

***THEY SAID IT***
"Three players from the Mesa (Ariz.) Mountain View High football squad have been charged on suspected involvement in a home robbery. The bad news is they've been suspended from the team. The good news is they've been offered scholarships to the University of Miami." -- RJ Currie
"Derek Jeter has officially played more games than anyone else in the history of the New York Yankees. That's on the field; off the field, the record is still held by Madonna." -- Jerry Perisho
"Hurricane Irene battered the Little League World Series. Players on the team from Taiwan were huddled in the dugout calling the team's hotel to make sure their wives and children were OK." -- Brad Dickson
‎"32 games for the SF Giants, 5 errors. At least a few of them resulting in game changing unearned runs. Seems to me Orlando Cabrera should be spelt with a lot more “E”s." -- Janice Hough

CP-

CLOSER THAN IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN

***YANKS OUTLAST THE ORIOLES***
You have the worst team in the AL East going up against baseball's best closer. Game over, right? Nope, instead it came down to J.J. Hardy swinging wildly at a pitch a foot outside to shut down Baltimore with the go-ahead run 180 feet away. Whew! Mariano Rivera has not looked like the Rivera of years past this season. No, he's looked positively (gulp) human. He needs 5 more saves to be #1 in career saves. If he does it this year, and he should, I wonder if we'll see him next year. He may retire rather than go out looking washed up.

Ah, just what the Yankees need: another slugger. Rookie Jesus Montero belted his first two home runs for the Yanks yesterday, putting another nail into the coffin of Jorge Posada. Well, we knew he could hit, I'd like to see him catch, but the word is that Girardi is just going to use him as the DH for the rest of the season.

Before we get too excited with yesterday's win, consider the plight of the hapless Orioles. The Associated Press had this to say about the efforts of Oriole starter Brian Matusz:
"Matusz had his best start in half a season, even though he lasted just 1 1/3 innings and 46 pitches while allowing five runs, five hits and two walks." Best start? Really? Of course, nobody really pitched well on either side. Yankee starter Freddie Garcia gave up 7 runs in less than 3 innings and Aaron Laffey was awarded the win even though he only recorded two outs.

***THE PLAYOFF TEAMS LOOK SET***
The Tigers are in and, unless the Angels can mount a late season charge, so are the Rangers. The Yanks have a 2 1/2 game lead over Boston and the only question is who will win the division. In the National League, it will be Philly, Milwaukee and the Diamondbacks with Atlanta winning the wild card.

The Boston Red Sox pitching, once considered to be the cream of the American League, is a total shambles. Their ace, Josh Beckett, left the game yesterday with a strained right knee. Instead of "the cream," Boston's staff now looks like "whipped cream."

***THEY SAID IT***
"Virginia Union and St. Augustine played a game in the middle of Hurricane Irene. In the history of college football, it has never been more important to win the coin toss and take the wind." -- Brad Dickson
"Derek Jeter has broken yet another club record — Mickey Mantle's mark for games played this week — further padding his legacy as the Yankees' all-time leader in amassing hits, singles, stolen bases and movie starlets" -- Dwight Perry
"The NFL preseason continues. When that gun goes off at the end of regulation, it can only mean one thing. Plaxico Burress is in the house." -- Alan Ray
"Tennis star Andy Roddick turns 29 years old on Tuesday. The man is married to Brooklyn Decker; what could you possibly get him that would make his life better?" -- Jerry Perisho

CP-

YANKEES SHINE & TEXAS DINES

The Yanks have retaken control of first place. This may make it easier on Michael Kay, who won't have to explain his "...virtual tie for first place" utterance for a while. In the meantime, Texas beat up the Red Sox 10-0, as Boston's 'powerful' starting rotation is now reduced to guys named Miller and Bedard.

One article described Ivan Nova as over-powering last night and while the statistics bear out that statement, anyone who watched the game saw all three Yankee outfielders make outstanding grabs in the deepest parts of the stadium. Gardner was especially brilliant and Granderson, labeled the 'Worst Centerfielder in Baseball,' made a spectacular grab for the second day in a row. Do you think people believe he's bad just because Gardner is so great? Even the old man in right snatched one off the wall to save a run. Nova may have recorded the outs, but he wasn't fooling anybody.

There's no doubt that Gardner was the player of the game, making three marvelous plays in left and hitting a two-run homer, his 6th of the year.

NY Daily News headlines from the morning:

YANKS IN NOVA-WIN SITUATION
Obviously, the cutesy-boys were out in force last night.

JOE LIKES JESUS
Geez, I hope so. (Oh, THAT Jesus)

GARDY GOES YARDY
This isn't cute, it's sickening. I'm afraid to check the NY Post, who leads the league in silly headlines.

Short post because of a family commitment today. Vod will have to be responsible for cheering on the Yanks in today's game.

CP-

IT'S NEVER EASY

Another four-plus hour marathon that didn't end until Mariano Rivera painted the outside corner on Adrian Gonzales with the bases loaded in the ninth last night (or was it this morning?). This is what happens when these two teams get together, displaying the kind of patience at the plate that bores everyone except Yankee and Red Sox fans. They are both so successful with this kind of strategy, that you wonder why other teams haven't adopted it. No one will swing at pitches that aren't strikes. In fact, they won't swing at pitches they don't THINK are strikes. That's why Gonzales is still standing at home plate as you read this, hoping the umpire will reappear and change his mind.

AJ Burnett made another one of his "change in mechanics," that will, of course, be effective for only one game. He still won't pitch inside, especially to a team that definitely NEEDS inside pitches - ones that leave little black and blue marks on hitters. Why is it that only CC Sabathia seems willing to punish Boston hitters when the Sox pitchers use the Yankees as dart boards?

Jesus Montero made his ML debut last night and seemed okay, but I did notice one flaw: he sometimes turns his head to the left when swinging at pitches. Not every time, but enough times that I noticed it. We'll see if Kevin Long thinks this should be corrected.

The bench can be a very lonely place when you pull a bonehead play, like not knowing how many outs there are. It's happened before and it usually makes the highlight reels, but Swisher won't like it if this shows up on ESPN's Top Ten.

I really get annoyed when Michael Kay and company go on and on, second-guessing a decision that Girardi makes. If Nunez had gotten a hit instead of hitting into a double play, they probably wouldn't have made a big deal out of the decision. Probably wasn't the best thing, but sometimes you just have to go with your hunches.

If Teixeira is hurt bad enough, or even if he isn't, the Yanks should bring up Jorge Vasquez from Scranton. With all the hoopla surrounding Montero, Jorge's stats have gotten lost. He hit only .260 this year, but he had 31 homers and 89 RBIs, compared to Montero, whose stats weren't nearly as impressive (.280 average, 18 homers and 69 RBIs).

As if there wasn't enough drama in the NY-Boston series, Michael Kay kept describing this game as a "...battle for first place." Important as being tied in the lost column is, the papers will still show the Sox ahead by a half-game this morning. The last three games of the series will be in New York.

CP-

This was worth watching, and especially good to watch cued up the DVR and fast forwarding through the interminable waits between pitches and commercials. Alfredo Aceves must be sipping Becket Kool-Aid. He was beyond hopeless wasting over a minute between pitches, making everyone step out, blah, blah, blah. Bite me Alfredo.

Finally, they put Freddie Garcia in an A.J. Burnet suit and send him out to the mound. Whoever it was had off-speed command, an infrequent but most effective slider, and other assorted junk. Does anyone know the whereabouts of Jamie Moyer last night? Burnet pitched six solid. Period. He had Ortiz out looking in the 6th on an unhittable, mesmerizing curve ball. The pitch also mesmerized home plate umpire I. Mustbe Blind, as he stood gazing for several seconds before call it a ball.

Logan came in an got Crawford swinging and in his only move tonight that displayed any imagination or invention Joe Girardi brought in Wade to turn Jed Lowerie around to the left side. Curtis Granderson save Girardi, Wade and possible the game with a spectacular diving catch on a sinking liner that Lowerie laced to right center. I suspect everyone in Fenway heard Lowerie scream "Fuck" as he crossed first base after Granderson's web gem.

Nick Swisher earned a pie in the face and a hand grenade down his shorts for not knowing the number of outs when he went to the plate in the 5th. Cano had just single with one out and Nick "Hey,Dude" layed down a sacrifice bunt. It was also interesting that when Swisher went back to the dugout, A-Rod was the first player to approach him. When Swisher came Derek Jeter gave him a look that we've all seen in grade school. The half smile look that gets flashed when you know someone is going to catch hell from the teacher. That's not a good look for a Yankee Captain, particularly in Boston.

Nice call by Girardi not to bunt Nunez in the top of the 6th but rather letting him swing away and ground into a double play. Had he bunted Russell Martin over to 2nd after his leadoff single that would have given Jeter and Granderson RBI opportunities. And who need those when you're down 2 - 1? Michael Kay was aware enough to suggest that Girardi could have used Eric Chvez as a pinch hitter in that situation. Apparently Joe was watching the game on his Dick Tracy Wrist Communicator and actually used Mike's idea in the 7th and Chavez drove in thie 4th run of the game.

Russell Martin was not big offensively but superb behind the plate. The Yankees are so solid defensively up the middle and it really starts with Martin and ends with Granderson. And we already know that Teixeira is the arguably the best defensive 1st basemen in the league - although he got out of position, grabbed a ball that was destined for Cano's glove, and made a poor throw to first that pulled a hustling A.J. Burnet off the bag at 1st- and Gardner the best defensive left fielder. This is the stuff that stirs my wahoo and keeps my syrup running.

Speaking of wahoo - Annie, I heard a rumor from a very unreliable source that Jacoby Elsbury is Jete's latest love interest. (Just want to see if your still paying attention).

Boston pitchers continued to hit Yankee batters. Teixeira got hit on the knee and one of Our Booth Bozos opined that Teixeira was lucky it was only a curve ball that got him - got him well enough to put him out of the game. They pitch inside - with intent to hit people more often than any other team in baseball.

David Ortiz is an ass. He showed up both the home plate umpire and 3rd base umpire last night. He waved a 5 Finger Salute to 3rd when he was called for a strike on a correctly called yes-he-went strike and turned and gave the home plate umpire the Ortiz Evil Eye and Babble on a called strike. Big Papi? Big Whoop.

Yawn. It's late. Nice win. I'll clean this up in the morning.

Outstanding game in Rochester last night. Fernandez went 8 strong for the Redwings giving up 1 run on 3 hits and shut down the rehabbing Pumpkinhead Youkilis. Redwings left fielder brought one back from over the wall on a great play to save a home run and, the big plus, we were not in front of a television for the Yankee fiasco.

Only downside was Melon-Noggin Youkilis going yard in the top of the 9th and locals sported more Red Sox gear than you typically see at the Goodwill store.

But the home team got a rare win, 4-2, with solid pitching, timely hitting and great defense - a much needed diversion from the Yankees.

With Burnet going tonight in Boston, rather than tune in to YES, we're going to stay home and stick hot needles in our eyes. Different strategy, same results.

IT ISN'T GOING TO GET ANY BETTER

Headline on ESPN:

"Yankees turn to Burnett to stop Red Sox"

So does my stomach.

"In his book, Dick Cheney lashes out at Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice. They got off lucky, Cheney shot one of his other friends." -- Brad Dickson

"In Genesee County, N.Y., someone called police to report that a man dressed as a clown was riding around on a golf cart. Turns out it was just a guy who was playing golf. It’s ridiculous someone could confuse a clown for a golfer. Clowns wear more understated attire and their shoes look less weird." -- Brad Dickson (Hope this wasn't my good friend Vod)

"So now the Big 12 has 9 teams and the Big 10 has 12. And we wonder why college football players aren’t good at math." -- Janice Hough

In memory of Mike Flannagan:
"Flanagan to the Orioles' mascot in 1986, after it fell off the dugout roof: "Take two worms and call me in the morning." (Thank you Dwight Perry)

Why did only 347 showed up for a Marlins home game: "The other 24 went shopping." -- Brad Rock, Salt Lake City Deseret News

CP-

Over four hours and 349 pitches later, the Yankees win. And today , a Becket day-night single header. My wife and I are going to a Redwings game in Rochester tonight - a 7:05 start. It's good to know we'll still get to watch half of the Yankee game when we get home.

OH YEAH, IT'S THE YANKS & THE SOX

***ROUND ONE TO NEW YORK***
Going into Tuesday night's game, the fire seemed to be lacking in this rivalry so far. It came back big time last night. Lackey hit Granderson (one of the many pitches umpire Rapuana missed), CC hit Ellsbury, Lackey hit Posada, CC hit Saltalamacchia (that's the last time I write that out fully) and Lackey hit Cervelli. Everybody claimed, of course, they were just trying "to pitch inside," except Sabathia, who was quite open about what he thought was going on. But then he had his own demons to worry about. After the game, he quipped to reporters that he had to win so they wouldn't keep bringing up the fact that he was 0-4 against the Sox this year.

But back to the game, won by CC and NY 5-2. The Sox left men on base all night, in fact, I think there are still men on 2nd and 3rd this morning. Cervelli hit a homer which prompted a lot of emotion from both clubs, including Lackey, who pitches every game as though the opposing club was holding his mother hostage.

There were failures by both clubs, too. Posada hit into two double plays and would have hit into more but the last two times he batted, there were already two outs. Ortiz failed to score from 2nd on a single to left by Crawford, but let's face it, in a race with Posada, it's even money that neither guy would reach the finish line.

It's good that the Yanks won this one because the Yanks are throwing Hughes and Burnett the last two games. The Sox are pitching two guys named Beckett and Lester. Not good for NY.

Keegan Bradley, a Vermont native who won the PGA Championship this month, threw out the ceremonial first pitch and gave a big fist pump afterward. CC promptly hit him with his first warm-up toss.

***AROUND THE LEAGUE***
The SF Giants are now six games out and falling. The defending champs are 30th in the majors in runs scored. They're averaging less than 3 and a half runs a game and the "big" hitter they acquired, Carlos Beltran, has driven in just four since coming West. The Giants are looking like the biggest flash-in-the-pan since the 1959 White Sox.

Speaking of the White Sox, Ozzie Guillen, who is under contract with the Sox through next season is asking for an extension. Ozzie's record in 8 years is a whopping 667-600, not really all that impressive. It seems to be that way for Ozzie, though. "I am a good manager," Guillen said. "Very cocky and arrogant. There's a lot of worse guys out there than me. I have (a lot) of confidence in myself. I know what I can do. People can think what they want. If they don't think I'm a good manager, be careful what you wish for." A little peace and quiet would be nice.

Milwaukee is still surging and the Cardinals are still falling and there are rumors that this is LaRusso's last season as the St. Louis manager. There are probably a lot of Cardinal players who wouldn't be unhappy to see baseball's most infamous micro-manager let go of the reins (and maybe unclench his teeth).

***THEY SAID IT***
"The New York State Fair is going to feature 1,500 calorie "Donut Burger" — a quarter pound hamburger between two slices of glazed donut, covered with cheese and bacon." -- Brad Dickson (no punch line here, I just want one)
"UFC heavyweight Brendan Schaub, via Twitter, on fighting in his opponent's hometown of Rio de Janeiro: "Besides the Brazilian chants of 'your gonna die' I thought the weigh-ins went really well." -- Dwight Perry
"First reports on Hurricane Irene in New York. An expensive mess, but underwhelming considering its original potential. Sort of like the 2011 Mets." -- Janice Hough
"Vin Scully announced he will return in 2012 for a 63rd season as the play-by-play voice of the Dodgers. That is, health willing and the divorce judge doesn't award him to Jamie." -- Dwight Perry
"London isn’t fit after the rioting to host the 2012 Olympics. However, they did say that they could host the 2012 Stanley Cup." -- Bill Littlejohn
"An L.A. judge has ordered Hollywood actress and former Canadian synchronized swimming champ Estella Warren to four months in rehab after she pled to a DUI charge. Word is Warren's blood alcohol score was .12 - even higher if you exclude the .06 from the Russian judge." -- RJ Currie

CP-

Be Afraid, Very Afraid (Picasner at large Goes Mainstream Media)

Thanks to Michele Bachman for letting us know that the east coast earthquake and hurrricane Irene that devastated a large part of northern New York and most of Vermont are the Grand Old Deity's punishment for the federal budget. Thomas Jefferson once opined that George Washington's mind was not much bothered by "invention and imagination". Certainly can't say the same about Michele.

Switters says that the inertia of the masses and the corruption of the manipulators will require nothing short of a miracle to ensure the continuation of our species on an increasingly sick planet. It's nothing short of a miracle that any sentient being would do anything to place Michele, or Mitt, or Governor Rick Goodhair Perry in a position of authority.

And while were on the subject of heavenly wrath, that might explain the Yankees' pitching rotation that has Phil Hughes and A.J. Burnet starting two out of three games in Boston. Sinners and Yankees repent!

And while were on the subject of Switters, it's football season... "a ritual parody of the primate territorial imperative, complete with nonlethal but often painful violence, colored at its margins with decidedly sexual overtones, and fouled by the stink of commerce".

No doubt, early homo sapiens mated with Neanderthals.

"BIRD BRAINS"

(Headline on the back page of the NY Post)

The headline refers to the way the Baltimore Orioles handled the scheduling of the 5 games with the Yanks this weekend. Rumors and allegations are flying faster than columnists can keep up with them.
The Orioles claim they presented ALL of the possible options to the Yankees and they rejected them all. They finally submitted a plan which they say the Players Association and MLB approved.
The Yankees claim the Orioles didn't decide how to handle the scheduling until Friday night, while the game was in progress and refused to consider any option the Yanks suggested except for making up the lost game on Sept. 8th, the Yanks only true off-day till the end of the season. Meanwhile, Curtis Granderson, the Yanks player representative, says neither he nor the rest of the team ever approved playing on their last off-day.
It's not over and regardless of how it comes out, somebody is going to be very unhappy.

***YANKS AND ORIOLES IN A DOUBLE HEADER TODAY***
The Yanks will pitch Colon and Nova and a sweep would make up the game they lost yesterday. Boston is not playing today while Irene saunters through New England.

***WHAT'S WRONG WITH ICHIRO?***
This seems to be the big question for Mariner fans. For the first time, Ichiro will fail to hit .300, and will not get his customary 200 hits. Never fear, sports fans, Baseball Info Solutions has the answer. "Experts point to Ichiro's age, 37, as a reason for his ebb, but another explanation could be that Ichiro is the unfortunate recipient of superb fielding on the balls he puts in play." Yes, you can count on BIS to come up with a statistic to prove their point. This week's special formula is the Good Fielding Plays (GFPs). In simple terms, a GFP is a Web Gem, a play in which a fielder makes an extraordinary effort to record an unlikely out or to prevent an advancement of a runner. As with all these special stats, at one point, someone has to make an 'evaluation' or 'rate' some particular part of the play to put it in a category. The minute that happens, the statistic as proof holds no credence with me. Interesting? Sure. Proof positive? Sell me some swampland in Florida instead.

***WHAT WAS WRONG WITH JETER?***
See the comment above. Suddenly, he's hitting like the Derek Jeter of old. BIS hasn't gotten around to this one yet, but I'm here to help. His special stat: The OIBUWMKICSTBCA or, Once I Broke Up With Minka Kelly, I Could See The Ball Clearly Again. Gee, this is fun.

***A READER COMMENT***
Apparently I wasn't too clear on a comment I made about Nolan Ryan's pitching staff. The Stumpy one commented:
"I thought you were against the pitch count determining when a pitcher gets removed? I'm all for removing them when they are tired, but isn't that what he is getting at - remove the pitchers when they are tired? That would make it Ryan's manager that's the idiot for not noticing fatigue when he sees it. What you said makes it sound like you are for the pitch count staying around. I'm not a baseball aficionado, but even I see that.
I am against an arbitrary set pitch-count ceiling; pitchers should be removed when they become ineffective, not just when they reach a certain number. On a day-by-day basis, managers ARE responsible for recognizing fatigue. Over the course of a season, continued high pitch counts can result in pitchers running out of gas late in the season. This is what Nolan Ryan should have expected, and that was my point.

***THEY SAID IT***

A terrific comment by Bob Ryan on the Sports Reporters today when talking about Peyton Manning: "He's so good, he could make a 100-catch receiver out of a hatrack and a shovel."

"Tickets for the Nebraska University football game at Wyoming are going for $174. To put that in perspective, in parts of Wyoming you can buy a house for $274." -- Brad Dickson

"The last time the Yankees had three grand slams in one day: "The morning David Wells ate breakfast at Denny's." -- Seattle Times reader Bill Littlejohn

"Plans are underway to squeeze in another 6,600 seats behind Lambeau Field's south end zone in time for the 2013 season. Hey, they don't call them the Packers for nothing." -- Dwight Perry

CP-

I TOLD YOU...

...we should have rooted for the hurricane. Burnett's performance was so bad, even three homers for the Bombers didn't make me feel any better. After the game, AJ was quoted as saying, "I can't concentrate on the numbers." I wish he'd concentrate on something, 'cause I'm pretty sure it isn't pitching. No more games until we wait for the rains to pass.

The Yankee's ability to draw fans in the opponents stadiums has hurt them again. The Orioles refused to give up a lucrative play date with the Yanks, forcing NY to lose one of the two off-days they have left in the rest of the season.

This is very hard to believe, in fact, I looked it up in a couple of different places to verify it. On Wednesday, 8/24, the Florida Marlins hosted the Cincinnati Reds before a "crowd" of 347 people. They must have thought AJ Burnett was pitching.

***THEY SAID IT***
John McEnroe was injured at the Rogers Cup. I'm thinking it cannot be serious." -- RJ Currie
"Hear about Ohio State's new holiday gift drive? Toys For Tats." -- Dwight Perry
"Bethany (Kan.) College suspended its men's golf team for three tournaments for posing naked except for strategically placed drivers: "Let us all pray this idea never occurs to John Daly." -- Janice Hough
"Attorneys representing cash-strapped Dodgers owner Frank McCourt in the team's bankruptcy case have petitioned the court for legal fees of $1.7 million for just 5 weeks of work, and it's not looking good. In lieu of a personal check, McCourt asked if they'd take a backup infielder." -- Dwight Perry
"According to a recent survey, kids are receiving an average of 40 cents less from the tooth fairy. That's right, the economy is so bad that even make-believe people are feeling the pinch." -- Conan O'Brien

What with Hurricane Irene causing havoc with sports on the east coast, what am I going to write about this weekend? The National League?

CP-

3 SLAMS AND THEY'RE OUT

***YANKS CRUSH THE A'S, 22-9***
The Yanks made sure they didn't get swept, but it would have been nicer if they had gotten some of those runs earlier in the series. I could write all day about all the hitting and scoring, but I did notice one thing that impressed me. Even with the score 16-7 or thereabouts, the Yankee hitters refused to swing at pitches outside the strike zone. That's disciplined hitting. I didn't think I'd ever be saying this , but kudos to the home plate umpire, who never gave in and widened the strike zone either.
Posada almost looked like he was trying to prolong the game when throwing out a runner for the game's final out. I think it's been a long time since he laughed that hard.
In talking about the upcoming series with Baltimore, Michael Kay mentioned that the Orioles had so many injuries, it was going to be like playing their farm team in Rochester. The Rochester parent team is actually the Minnesota Twins. Baltimore's affiliate is in Norfolk.

The Yanks move to Baltimore now, for five games in four days, however, weather could be an issue. AJ Burnett pitches the first game tomorrow night. I don't think I've ever rooted for a hurricane before.

ONE MORE 'STUPIDEST THINGS IN SPORTS':
After a basketball player shoots an air ball, the crowd chants, “Air ball, air ball!!!” If you’re at a Yo-Yo Ma concert and he makes a mistake, does the gallery chant, “Wrong chord, wrong chord!!!”? -- Norman Chad

Here's an interesting little tidbit:
Since he took over as president of the Texas Rangers, Nolan Ryan has tried to dispel the theory of 'Pitch Count.' He wanted the practice of removing pitchers from the game based on some arbitrary number of pitches, stopped. He wanted his pitchers to go deeper into games regardless of the pitch count and build their arm strength beyond the accepted 100 pitches. Now the Rangers are being knocked around by the Red Sox hitters and Ryan had this to say about his pitching staff: "They're just not sharp. They look fatigued to me." Gee, I wonder why, Nolan.

Terrible news about the death of former Oriole pitcher Mike Flanagan at age 59. I had the good fortune of seeing him pitch when he was with the Baltimore farm club here in Rochester.

BREAKING NEWS: Jim Thome has approved a deal that will send him to the Cleveland Indians.

CP-

NO YANKEE GAME LAST NIGHT...

...SO LET'S JUST LAUGH INSTEAD.

***BOSTON LOSES 4-0***
Well, I think it's funny. By the way, since the Red Sox have played two more games than the Yanks and are now one full game behind, so even if the Sox win and the Yanks lose tonight, the Yanks will still be in first place by percentage points. (Insert secondary laugh here)

***ESPN MAY START AN ESPNW CHANNEL***
That's right, all women sports, all the time. Columnist Norman Chad suggests some possible changes and some new features:
**All-male sideline reporters
**Out with "Big Monday" in with "Sadie Hawkins Night"
**"Pardon the Menstruation"
(Okay ladies, let's not kill the messenger, now.)

***NEW FEATURE - "STUPIDEST THINGS IN SPORTS"***
Leading off with a couple from Norman Chad:
“Quiet Please” signs at golf tournaments
Kobe Bryant can make free throws at the end of a basketball game with 15,000 fans screaming and waving stuff behind the basket, but Matt Kuchar can’t putt unless he’s in the freakin’ library? Hey, the ball doesn’t move. The hole doesn’t move. Step up and play, pal.
The two-minute warning in football.
Does the referee really have to go over to each sideline and tell the coaches that there are two minutes left in the half? What, they can’t see the stadium clock? IT’S HUGE. Rather than warning the coaches in regard to time remaining, what would be more helpful — particularly if you’re, say, Lovie Smith — is if the referee could warn a coach that Jay Cutler is about to throw a game-changing interception.
There will be more.

## Interesting note: On this date last year, the Yankees had the exact same record as they do now. They were tied for first with Tampa Bay and Boston was 5 games out (maybe this should be part of the 'Laughs' portion).

## The San Diego Padres retired Trevor Hoffman's number on Sunday. A video of The Star Spangled Banner, sung by Hoffman's Dad, who died in 1985, was played before the game. Dave Winfield reported that there wasn't a dry eye in the house. I can believe it.

CP-

IVAN NOVA IS STILL HOT

## Nova upped his record to 13-4, with a strong 7 inning shut-out against the Twins yesterday. I believe the only reason he shouldn't be the #2 starter is his inexperience, especially in post-season play.

## The inside-the-park home run is one of the most exciting plays in baseball. It's also exciting to see whether the hitter can walk back to the dugout under his own power afterwards. Granderson did both yesterday.

## Sometimes the best decision is the one you don't make. Girardi was sorely tempted to bring in Soriano in the 8th inning yesterday, after Roberson loaded the bases with two outs. As they stated on ESPN, Girardi had "phone issues" in the dugout and couldn't get thru to the bullpen in time to make a change. Annie-O didn't understand this until I explained to her that they didn't say "phony shoes," as she thought. Oh, that's very different.

## To put the Granderson homer in perspective, Jason Varitek, who couldn't win a race against a three-legged horse, actually hit a triple yesterday...and had trouble getting to his feet at third base. Afterwards, he was quoted as saying, "That didn't feel good."

## Joe Torre is trying to ease the tension between the umpires and the players. He got involved in the situation where the Royals hit a home run that should have been called a double but the umpires didn't know the ground rules. Torre's idea is to maintain consistency in the umpiring and he did just that. He did nothing. I can understand mistakes on judgement calls, but not on mistakes concerning the rules. Dana Demuth's crew should have been fined or suspended, but Joe refused to take any kind of stand. Doesn't he realize that this is why the umpires feel that they don't have to answer to anybody?

***THEY SAID IT***
"Researchers have found the brains of frequent tanners are comparable to those of alcoholics. From now on, I’m putting SPF 30 on my beer cans." -- Cam Hutchinson
"Rex Ryan's mouth officially opened for 2012 season." -- The Onion.com
"A Miami booster's claims he showered football players with cash and prostitutes: "So far the allegations haven't hurt recruiting. Charlie Sheen just signed a letter of intent." --Brad Dickson
"Coincidence? Eli Manning proclaims to be in the same QB stratosphere as Tom Brady just days before the premiere of "Idiot Brother." -- Dwight Perry
"Alex Rodriguez, still not talking to the media about those poker allegations, went 0-3 in his second minor league rehab start. A-Rod said he wasn't complaining about his performance, and was just playing the hand he was dealt." -- Janice Hough
"Supermodel Gisele Bundchen said in a recent interview she was athletic growing up and the captain of her volleyball team. No surprise really; she is still all over the net." -- RJ Currie

CP-

Happy Halloween

Call me naive, but I'm buying Joe Girardi's and A.J. Burnet's explanation of their exchange on the mound and in the dugout last night. However, if the decoration on A.J.'s noggin is any indication of what's going on below the surface, I'm worried.

THE BATS ARE STILL HOT

## YANKS WIN 8-1
It seems everyone in the lineup is contributing now. Even Posada who, though he only got one hit, smoked two other balls that would have gone for extra bases if his aim was a little better. Hughes looks stronger every time out. He gave up two hits, one a homer, but only struck out two.
## AJ Burnett against Francisco Liriano tonight. Their records are extremely similar: both bad.
The Yanks have the more potent offense, so they should come out all right.
## I see Ron Gardenhire's career record against the Yankees is 19-61. That's hard to imagine. In an obvious attempt to break the string, Ron got himself thrown out of the game in the first inning Thursday night. Didn't help; the Yanks still won.
## Another frivolous remark by ESPN's current comedy team. Watching a home run blast by Josh Hamilton: "I will serve no fries before their time." ??? What are they putting in this guy's orange juice in the morning?
## While we're at it, who's doing the programming there? It makes no sense to me that they spent 10 minutes (actually timed) on four pre-season (i.e. worthless) pro-football games and 5+ minutes on five baseball games, three of which involved teams fighting for a division. Is it just me?
## Last Sunday, the Sports Reporters advised us to watch the "pennant race" that was heating up between Texas and the Angels. There was only one game separating them and this was going to a battle for the rest of the season. The result? Six days later and the Angels are now 6 games out. Good call!
## In the meantime, the two teams with the best records in the American League are separated by a mere half-game, and both teams have been fighting thru a rash of injuries to key players. And people wonder why their games are on national TV so often. (As they also say on ESPN, that's the Yanks & the Red Sox for those of you who are new to the program)
## More scouting reports:
Abdul Hasheen Abba Ali: 6'10", 305 lbs. Guard. Played high school ball under the name Sylvester Lee Jones until he discovered religion. Abdul thinks Sherlock Holmes is a housing project in Jacksonville . Doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear." (Doesn't know the meaning of many other words, either.)
Roosevelt "Dude" Dansell : 6' 1", 195 lbs. Running Back. From Tyler , Texas . Has processed hair and imitates Billy Dee Williams very well. Before he signed his letter of intent, he wanted the school to change colors to chartreuse and pink. Listed his church preference as "red brick."
## Strange Rumor Dept. Johnny Damon is on the waiver wire, and one writer (name withheld to protect the ignorant) believes he will end up with either the Yanks or the Red Sox, because both teams are in need of a reliable DH. It's also possible he could end up with the Phillies. Somebody find this guy a shiny toy to play with.

***THEY SAID IT***
"An ESPN analyst said he hoped to see the old Tiger at the PGA Championship. Wish granted. He looked like an old Tiger." -- RJ Currie
"Cash payments, alcohol, strippers, hookers -- no wonder the Hurricanes haven't won much lately. They're exhausted." -- Michael Rosenberg
--OR --
"Have you heard about the accusations of the University of Miami football team? Hookers, drugs, bribes, lavish hotel suites, yachts. That isn't a football team, that's a weekend with Charlie Sheen." -- Alex Kaseberg
"Black Swan actress Mila Kunis told Glamour magazine she is looking for a man who is funny, not good looking. This is great news for most sports humorists." -- RJ Currie
(Hope Annie-O doesn't see that one)

CP-

WINNING WITH THE BATS

***YANKS WIN 8-4***
The only way to describe Sabathia's performance is sporadic. He started weakly (and lucky), got strong for a couple of innings and then seemed on the verge of blowing up. Somehow, he got thru seven innings and got the win, but he never looked overpowering. But he didn't need to be: the Yankee bats were booming, hitting two doubles, a triple and three homers among their 15 hits. Andruw Jones hit a blast that seemed to move the third deck back two feet and almost cold-cocked a fan in the process.
After Girardi got the umps to review and overturn a "homer" by Justin Morneau, the game seemed to belong to the Yanks. Manager Ron Gardenhire got the old heave-ho for arguing way too long that Morneau's blast should stand. The replays did seem inconclusive at first, but later in the game they showed a replay from a different angle and the ball was clearly foul.
A-Rod has joined the team but isn't supposed to play until Saturday. Freddie Garcia is going on the DL with what the Yankees are now describing as, "...a kitchen accident." Why all the secrecy?


***AROUND THE HORN***
## Add Kevin Youkilis to the growing list of the injured up in Boston. Now he's on the DL. Luckily, the Sox are playing Kansas City and can probably handle them with their second team on the field.
## The Chicago Cubs have been in a real tizzy the last few months, adding some questionable players, trading others and...well, do we need to mention the Carlos Zambrano fiasco, all resulting in a team in 5th place, 18+ games out. Normally, when a team has these kind of problems, the manager becomes the sacrificial lamb, but not here. The Cubs just fired General Manager Jim Hendry.
## The Phillies became the first team to 80 wins and they're 38 games over .500.
## Colorado minor leaguer Mike Jacobs, became the first player suspended for using HGH, Human Growth Hormone. When asked why he would take a chance knowing the possible harsh penalty, he responded, "You try playing professional baseball when you're only 4'10"."

***THEY SAID IT***

Cardinal O'Hara High School in Springfield, Pa., has been forced to create a "spirit squad" to cheer at its football and basketball games, the Delaware County Daily Times reported, because the real cheerleaders were too busy practicing and competing in cheer competitions. -- Dwight Perry

The Jacksonville Sharks won the Arena Football League title by defeating the Arizona Rattlers, 73-70. Or as noted by David Thomas of the Fort Worth Star-Telegram: "Proving once again that defense wins championships."

***A FOOTBALL SECTION***

Wouldn't it be interesting if collegiate scouting reports gave an honest evaluation of the players? It might go something like this:

** Tyrone"Python" Peoples: 6'10", 228 lbs. Wide Receiver. Has a pending paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none of his other 9 victims will file charges. Tyrone had already signed letters of intent with six colleges. Likes wild women and red Cadillac's. Thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Telephone Company

** Willie "Night Train" Smith: 6'4", 225 lbs. Quarterback. Born on an Amtrak train. Birth certificate indicates he is 27 years old. Thinks the "N" on Nebraska 's helmets stands for "Nowledge," but still meets this school's stringent entrance requirements. Insists on wearing No. 32 jersey since it matches his score on his SAT's.

** Quinticious Jenkins: 6' 3", 220 lbs. Running Back. Set state scoring record out of Triton High School , Dunn , N.C. Also led the state in burglaries, but has only 9 convictions. He has been clocked at 4.2 seconds in the 40 yard dash with a 19" TV under each arm.

** Wayfron P. Jackson: 6' 6", 215 lbs. Wide Receiver. Hottest prospect from Texas in the last ten years. Loves rap music. Will demand a mini-cassette in his helmet. Currently holds world record for the most"you knows" during an interview (62 in one minute). Wayfron can print his complete name.

Note: College track coaches intend to use several of the above signees in their track programs. However, instead of using a starting gun at track meets, the NCAA has now agreed to use a burglar alarm.
A thanks to The Casino Cat for this insight.
CP-

SOMETIMES THINGS DON'T GO WELL

***YANKS LOSE 5-4***
They're still in first place, but by the smallest of margins. Luckily, Boston is having a rough go of it right now.
Some thoughts while watching the game:
* Jeter is really swinging the bat well right now, getting his average up to .290. It is amazing that he broke a cardinal rule on the bases: when starting off on the hit and run, you can't get picked off. Of course, it helps when the pitcher uses an illegal move to throw to first. If you watch closely, Bruce Chen's right leg goes behind the rubber when he starts to throw. The rules say that the pitcher MUST throw to home in that situation. Where's "Balkin' Bob" Davidson when you need him.
* Posada's hot streaks don't last very long these days, do they? What'd we get, one day?
* Colon is becoming all too hittable these days.

***AROUND THE HORN***
** The Cubs have signed Wayne Gretsky's 18 year-old son, Trevor to a $375,000 contract. That's what the Cubs need to control Zambrano, a hockey player. Who's next? The Hanson brothers?
** Freddie Garcia is probably going on the DL because of a cut index finger. Okay, that happens, but why is Garcia refusing to say how it occurred? Seems kinda strange to me.
** A couple of nights ago, the Yanks brought in David Roberston to pitch and Annie-O said, "Here he comes. David Robertson, the new Mo'" And she's right.
** The name game, collegiate division...according to Dwight Perry (All real names):
Wave Ryder, Navy
Yourhigness Morgan, Fla Atlantic
Boyblue Aoelua, N. Mexico St.
Mister Cobble, Kentucky
Skylar Stormo, Wash. St.
** Hard-To-Believe Dept.:
The Yanks have resigned Scott Proctor to a minor league contract. Scott claimed in an interview that he didn't feel overworked under Joe Torre, even though he appeared in 83 games and pitched 103+ innings, a record for non-starters. Scott joined the Scranton Wilkes-Barre team on Tuesday. His arm is expected to join him in a few days.
** The MLB Owners are meeting in Cooperstown this week. This is as close as any of them will ever get to the Hall of Fame.
** The "Best Hitting Team In The Majors" had a tough time with Tampa Bay this week. In three games, the Red Sox had a TOTAL of 9 hits and 5 runs
** Also from Boston, Adrian Gonzales has a stiff neck and it's keeping him from generating any power. David Ortiz will be out a week with bursitis. Their pitching staff is now relying on two recent pickups, an aging knuckleballer, a pitcher (John Lackey) who is better in his mind than on the mound, a shaky Jon Lester and a petulant Josh Beckett. This is a good time to make a move on them.

***THEY SAID IT***
"After all the rioting in London this week, officials are worried that it could mean security problems for the Olympics next year. On the bright side, the guy running with the torch will just blend right in." -- Jimmy Fallon
"Supermodel Gisele Bundchen told Vogue magazine yoga and kung fu are to thank for her body. Thank you yoga. Thank you kung fu." -- RJ Currie
"Kerri Strug, the 1996 Olympic gold-medal gymnast, threw a ceremonial first pitch high and outside from just 30 feet away before a Twins game last week. Three of the seven judges still called it a strike." -- Dwight Perry
"It may take a while for Tiger Woods' ex-caddie to write a tell-all book about him. Ever see those itty-bitty pencils they're forced to keep score with?" -- Bob Mills
"The University of Miami football program has been linked to prostitutes, under-the-table payments, illegal gifts, lies and cover-ups. It's so bad this is being called the 17th or 18th biggest scandal in Miami football history." -- Brad Dickson

Lunch today with Vod and his lovely bride, Laurie. If Vod and I can get a couple of beers into her and Annie-O, we may have some brand-new quotes tomorrow.

CP-