WINNING WITH THE BATS

***YANKS WIN 8-4***
The only way to describe Sabathia's performance is sporadic. He started weakly (and lucky), got strong for a couple of innings and then seemed on the verge of blowing up. Somehow, he got thru seven innings and got the win, but he never looked overpowering. But he didn't need to be: the Yankee bats were booming, hitting two doubles, a triple and three homers among their 15 hits. Andruw Jones hit a blast that seemed to move the third deck back two feet and almost cold-cocked a fan in the process.
After Girardi got the umps to review and overturn a "homer" by Justin Morneau, the game seemed to belong to the Yanks. Manager Ron Gardenhire got the old heave-ho for arguing way too long that Morneau's blast should stand. The replays did seem inconclusive at first, but later in the game they showed a replay from a different angle and the ball was clearly foul.
A-Rod has joined the team but isn't supposed to play until Saturday. Freddie Garcia is going on the DL with what the Yankees are now describing as, "...a kitchen accident." Why all the secrecy?


***AROUND THE HORN***
## Add Kevin Youkilis to the growing list of the injured up in Boston. Now he's on the DL. Luckily, the Sox are playing Kansas City and can probably handle them with their second team on the field.
## The Chicago Cubs have been in a real tizzy the last few months, adding some questionable players, trading others and...well, do we need to mention the Carlos Zambrano fiasco, all resulting in a team in 5th place, 18+ games out. Normally, when a team has these kind of problems, the manager becomes the sacrificial lamb, but not here. The Cubs just fired General Manager Jim Hendry.
## The Phillies became the first team to 80 wins and they're 38 games over .500.
## Colorado minor leaguer Mike Jacobs, became the first player suspended for using HGH, Human Growth Hormone. When asked why he would take a chance knowing the possible harsh penalty, he responded, "You try playing professional baseball when you're only 4'10"."

***THEY SAID IT***

Cardinal O'Hara High School in Springfield, Pa., has been forced to create a "spirit squad" to cheer at its football and basketball games, the Delaware County Daily Times reported, because the real cheerleaders were too busy practicing and competing in cheer competitions. -- Dwight Perry

The Jacksonville Sharks won the Arena Football League title by defeating the Arizona Rattlers, 73-70. Or as noted by David Thomas of the Fort Worth Star-Telegram: "Proving once again that defense wins championships."

***A FOOTBALL SECTION***

Wouldn't it be interesting if collegiate scouting reports gave an honest evaluation of the players? It might go something like this:

** Tyrone"Python" Peoples: 6'10", 228 lbs. Wide Receiver. Has a pending paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none of his other 9 victims will file charges. Tyrone had already signed letters of intent with six colleges. Likes wild women and red Cadillac's. Thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Telephone Company

** Willie "Night Train" Smith: 6'4", 225 lbs. Quarterback. Born on an Amtrak train. Birth certificate indicates he is 27 years old. Thinks the "N" on Nebraska 's helmets stands for "Nowledge," but still meets this school's stringent entrance requirements. Insists on wearing No. 32 jersey since it matches his score on his SAT's.

** Quinticious Jenkins: 6' 3", 220 lbs. Running Back. Set state scoring record out of Triton High School , Dunn , N.C. Also led the state in burglaries, but has only 9 convictions. He has been clocked at 4.2 seconds in the 40 yard dash with a 19" TV under each arm.

** Wayfron P. Jackson: 6' 6", 215 lbs. Wide Receiver. Hottest prospect from Texas in the last ten years. Loves rap music. Will demand a mini-cassette in his helmet. Currently holds world record for the most"you knows" during an interview (62 in one minute). Wayfron can print his complete name.

Note: College track coaches intend to use several of the above signees in their track programs. However, instead of using a starting gun at track meets, the NCAA has now agreed to use a burglar alarm.
A thanks to The Casino Cat for this insight.
CP-