Sunday, April 26, 2009

PICASNER CAN'T HIDE FOREVER

Some of you know where I live and I can't use the "Census" excuse much longer, so here goes:

***SO THEY'VE LOST TWO IN A ROW IN BOSTON***
We've seen this before and it's early in the season, so let's not panic. We can get P. O.'ed, though. Isn't there someone who can get an out? It looks like everyone has contracted 'Igawa' disease, where Bosox hitters actually have to call time and wipe away the drool before they clobber the next pitch. Maybe Andy can salvage one game for us tonight.

***JOBA TO THE PEN***
Sounds like an Ogden Nash poem, doesn't it? Joba has been okay, but JUST okay. He was so dominate as a set-up man, this talk will not go away until he throws a ho-hitter or at least a shut-out.

***MAYO CLINIC TO OPEN A BRANCH IN THE BRONX***
And hurry up about it. Let's see: A-Rod, Wang, Bruney, Ransom... Wait till the "old" guys start falling. Wang has what is called "weak hips." Is he an athlete or an out-of-shape stripper?

***ANOTHER WAY TO GET YOUR MONEY***
The Yanks are right up front about it: "Here it is, $2650. Shut up and watch the game." The Mets plan is a little more devious. One writer decided to buy a 'cheap' ticket to a Mets game. Direct from the Mets to eliminate those pesky middle-man charges. One ticket, $24, right? Hold on there, Sparky. There is a $6 'Service fee' for each ticket. Oh, so it's $30? Almost. We also have a one-time service fee of $5 for every transaction. Wait a minute, that means it's really $35! Ha, ha, not quite. Don't forget the shipping charges, that's $2.50. No way. Just e-mail them to me. Sorry, still $2.50. Bottom line: a $24 ticket costs $37.50. Unfortunately, this whole paragraph is 100% true!

I pray that the Steinbrenners don't hear about this.

***SPEAKING OF THE 'FINANCIALLY-STRAPPED YANKS***
Scott Ostler of the San Fran Chronicle has some suggestions to eliminate those embarrassing empty seats in the stadium:
1. Tarp off those sections like they were never meant to have fans.
2. Only sell to really fat people
3. Provide free disguises and have the fans change disguises and seats every inning.
4. No more dugouts. Players have to sit in the stands. (they're probably the only ones that can afford it)
5. Computer generated images (CGI)

Should work, Scott.

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