IT'S NOT COMEDY CENTRAL, BUT...

***FROM CHRIS McDONNELL, HOCKEY'S BEST QUOTES***
Oilers coach Ted Green, after Shaun Van Allen suffered a concussion and couldn't remember who he was: "Tell him he's Wayne Gretzky."

***YANKEES ACQUIRE SWISHER***
Trading a career .260 hitter (Betemit), for a career .244 hitter (You do the math). Swisher is expected to take over 1st base. What happens if they get Mark Teixeira? "Mark, you're going to be our designated pinch-runner. After all, we've got Swisher now."

***SCOTT BORAS NOW ACCEPTING OFFERS***
Only 2 rules: Offers must be 9 figures. You must supply your own knee pads.

To help all you sports fans understand what is going on during the approaching negotiations, here are some phrases and their real meanings.
"Player is interested in going somewhere he has a chance to play in the World Series"
** I got $10 million, do I hear $11 million?
"We think the Mets are a good fit, but there are a LOT of teams interested."
** Oh boy, New York City money!
"He's a good player, but we're still exploring our options."
** How much do you want? Here, take it all.
-OR-
** Go away, I wouldn't pay that much for Cy Young.
"He brings more than ability to the table"
** He's irritated everyone he's played for.
"We're going to wait and see how things play out."
** My owner won't give me a cent.
"He really wants to play on the west coast (or, in the National League)"
** Unless the Yankees make an offer.
"He's very interested in the Red Sox"
** That should get a few more million out of Cashman.
"Hi, I'm Scott Boras"
** May I see your check book, please?
"Hi, I'm Scott Boras"
** We'll need more than that.
"Hi, I'm Scott Boras"
** Did you hear me? SCOTT BORAS!

Picasner needs help on this one. The Silver Slugger Awards (best overall hitter by position) came out today. The American League had a winner listed at pitcher. How does that make any sense? What are the standards? One at-bat? By the way, the winner was Aubrey Huff of the Orioles, their designated hitter. Not only wasn't he a pitcher, he didn't even HAVE a position.