BITS AND PIECES

Jayson (ESPN) Stark's weekly debate asks if the Tampa Bay Rays are for real. I think it's still early enough that there is no real pennant race pressure on them yet, so we don't really know how they'll shape up. However, I do get a kick out of the "Yes" arguments:
Crawford is 20 points under his career average
Pena hasn't hit yet
Upton only has 4 homers so far
...and on and on.
They only look at the underachievers. How about Navarro, a career .260 hitter, who is hitting .317. Hinske, who has averaged 18 homers a year, with 13 already. They have a very young pitching staff and have been blessed with little DL time (except for Rocco Baldelli, who has an apartment in Tampa General Hospital). They're playing well but it's still too early.

Up in Boston, Manny is being...Mike Tyson? Another ballplayer pushing around a member of the front office. Apparently, it's not the cushy job we thought it was. Manny had good reason, though. The Traveling Secretary told him "it would be hard to get him 16 tickets to a game". C'mon, who's Manny gonna high-five after a catch?

Out in Seattle, new manager Jim Riggleman has discovered the problem with the Mariners. They've been positioning the shortstop wrong. We're on our way, now.

It seems Joe Torre IS the greatest manager ever. His teams don't even need to get a hit to win. We miss you, Joe. Come back to the Yanks: we're already not hitting.

This just in: Jeter has thrown a styrofoam cup at the clubhouse man for not having enough Krispy Kremes on hand. Girardi immediately suspended...the clubhouse man.

PICASNER'S PERFUME

While you may use deodorant or perfume to eliminate body odor, nothing eliminates a "stinky" performance like a 10-0 win.
It is very obvious th Doug Mientkiewicz wants to play for the Yanks, but he's still out there trying to beat them. Not so for another ex-Yankee, TJ Beam. He was doing his best to help the pinstripers, even tho" he was wearing a Pirate uniform. By the way, did I see mientkiewicz sitting in the Yankee dugout for the 1st three innings? Maybe that's why he didn't start: the Pirates couldn't find him.
I know Joba is a very intimidating pitcher, but apparently he's also an intimidating hitter.He sure was overly aggressive up there, much to the delight of Jeter & Posada. Wait till he starts trying to steal bases.
Cano seems to have found his stroke, but he still makes me uncomfortable when he's hitting.
I've been to PNC Field. I know it's beautiful. Even if I didn't know, Michael & Ken were going to make sure I found out. Okay guys, I get it: It's beautiful. Be careful, if Hank, The Boy Wonder, hears about your constant praise, you might get traded to Pittsburgh. Actually, that's not a bad idea: Michael Kay for Doug Mientkiewicz. I'm there!
Shawn Chacon (an ex-Yank) has been suspended from the Houston Astros for choking the GM. Is Omar Minaya paying attention? Too bad Willie didn't think of this. Might as well get fired for a good reason.
Rob Neyer of ESPN, visited Cooperstown this week and went over the membership of the HOF on his way to Cleveland. He decided that approximately 25% of them didn't belong. That didn't include the pre-1900 members or those from the Negroe League. He didn't name any, but I agree in priciple (especially Bill Mazeroski, who shouldn't be allowed within 100 miles of Cooperstown. When Rob publishes his list, I'll post a few of the more prominent names. I already have my list (#1 Mazeroski, #2...)

Willie, AGAIN

Picasner on Willie

Hank Steinbrenner says that Willie Randolph is a Yankee, Willie Randolph will always be a Yankee and Willie Randolph can be a Yankee again whenever he wants. He also thinks that that was an underlying factor in his dismissal.

Too bad they can't make him a bullpen coach or something for the All-Star game. I think Terry Francona would go along. He'd still be getting his ovation in the third inning.


Vod Responds
Did Hank also point out that Willie was impotent in the club house,incompetent with the media, inert on the bench, and in need of of a huge dose of wahoo to deal with the roster of egos, bozos, and never-was cast-offs called the Schmuts?

He earned being canned. And to anyone naively arguing that it was a big boo-hoo the ways it was done... grow up. The Mets have a well deserved rep as a no-class bunch that they have nurtured for decades. This firing was, all in all, pretty subtle for those morons.

And how nice of Hank Steinwad to say that Willie is now and for every shall be a Yankee. Another pronouncement from Jesus Steinboober, the son of God, Steinboober the Omnipotent. Those boors are no less dysfunctional than the Schmuts management and historically lead the league in over-inflated self-importance. Who haven't they fired, insulted, threatened, manipulated, disparaged and abused... and then bought off with a shit load of money? And as for "underlying reasons" for Willie's release. The Steinboober ego at its most obvious and repulsive. Fired because he played for the Yankees? He was fired because his team, a team with the highest salary in the NL, played like shit for over a year, including one of the greatest late season swoons in baseball history, and Willie made comments like "I don't know what the answer is." Duh!

Finally, being a "Yankee" has nothing to do with any Steinboober announcement, pronouncement, proclamation, edict, or epistle, and it is certainly not a status that you inherit from big daddy... and their current cast of owners, GMs, managers, and current collection of underperforming, overpaid bush-leaguers and Ford Edge shills include very few Yankees.

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Cheney -Bush

‘A real villain is preferable to a fake hero.”

Tom Robbins

PICASNER STAYS HONEST

Yesterday, ESPN ran a survey: "Should the Yankees make Joba a starter?"  When I last checked, there were 15,000 votes, 55% said YES (I voted NO).  After yesterdays debacle, another poll: "Are the Yankees right in making Joba a starter?"  Again, I voted NO.  After 10,500 votes, it's now 55% NO.  This is just like all the prognosticators who predict this years winners by picking all of last years winners.  Thanks guys, lots of guts there.
 
A word about the debacle:  we hear all the time that umpires give NO breaks to new pitchers.  I'm sure all the hoopla over Chamberlain's first start didn't help, either.
 
BUT!   Am I the only one who thought Joba got squeezed?  Am I the only one who thought Halliday didn't?  I'm not saying he was great, but he certainly didn't get any help on close pitches.  Of course, the Yankees  powerful  lineup was no help either nor was their  smothering  bullpen.
 
It seems that just when they get something started, here comes Abreu (in a slump) or Cano (in a big slump) or Molina (who would have to get better to be in a slump) to quell the rally.  Eventually we are going to see these names in the opposing teams stats under "saves".
 
Would someone please tell the bullpen it's OK to throw overhand?
 
Girardi has a handle on it: "We have to play better".  Really?  "I thought I pitched pretty well."
 
Best play last night was Abreu catching a ball UP AGAINST THE FENCE.  I'll say it again: Up Against The Fence.  Of course, afterwards he was yelling like crazy towards the dugout.  Those of us who can read lips, know he was saying "Who the hell moved the fence in without telling me?"
 
I think tonight's game is going to be a six-pack contest.  After six beers, it shouldn't hurt so much. 

PICASNER IS BORED

Nearly fell of my chair in the diner this morning when the Pux commented, "I think he's lost a step."

Sooner or later we  hear that about all players but, in this case, he was speaking about, I can hardly say it, Derek Jeter.

Understand that there is no more loyal Yankee fan than the Pux. No one more vocal about their accomplishments, no one more blind to their failings, and no one more supportive of the Yankee orthodoxy that D. Jeter is the greatest shortstop of the past decade.

I'm not sure how long I sat there speechless, staring into an empty coffee cup, unable to make sense of those words from that source, but when I finally managed to weakly ask the Pux to repeat what he had said the breakfast crowd had been replaced by the office nooners.

Now I know the Revered One has had issues in the field this season airmailing a few throws into the right field sets. It's also true he has had several senior moments on the base paths recently getting picked off second to end an inning with two men on and A-Rod at the plate. But for the Pux to utter the unutterable, to even imagine the unimaginable... I could only respond,

"How can you tell when someone with no range loses a step?"

PS - Never piss off a Pux with half a jelly donut at his disposal.

Yankees Drubbed 11-2

When you can’t tune into the game until the 7^th inning break you can only hope that your team has the lead and the bullpen will close it out. For Mets fans, that was the case.

What I saw was a 6 run top of the 8^th that featured a bullpen shelling, two miserable, back to back throws from right field and, worst of all – no really it was worse than Abreu’s throws – a very long half inning of ESPN’s Johnny Miller and Joe Morgan. 

Miller has the unique ability to babble endlessly about everything but the game being played, an interesting talent for a play-by-play guy and Morgan is unsurpassed for saying really stupid things, actually a pretty common characteristic for many ESPN analysts. 

While discussing the new Yankee Stadium, Morgan commented, “…if your going to keep the same (field) dimensions, why build a new stadium?” Let’s see, the first things that popped up were Renewal, Tradition, Beauty, Amenities, Safety, Personality…

Then again, Joe played in a league that really didn’t understand any of those concepts when they spent 20 years building a rash of turf-lined band boxes.

During the 6 run explosion Morgan explained David Wright’s tag up and score on a short fly to right this way. 

“His upper body left early but his foot stayed on the bag.“

Visualize that one.

Oh, yeah, the game analysis of an 11 – 2 drubbing…

Gonzales hits a 399’ out to end the 7^th. Wright hits a 125’ bloop double to open the 8^th.

Say no more.

GT - 

Back from the grocery wars:

 

If Huckabee plants the pole where he suggests, won't that make it hard to raise any kind of flag?  Even if Robertson pitches in?  39% of the vote in S. Carolina probably represents about 110% of the literate voters doesn't it?

 

I haven't seen a newspaper in a couple of days: was McCain in a plane or a cathouse when he got shot down?

 

I seem to be providing more questions than answers.  Sorry.

 

I might have been able to live with the live TV remark, but...

    1.  I think she was trying to be complimentary, but sarcastic or insult humor is hard to

         pull off:  there is, after all, only one Don Rickles.

    2.  All that the magazine cover lacked was the caption, "Look what they're saying about

         our n****r, now".  At least Tiger has shown some class.

One of the two best sports quotes in my heart is the one about Tiger.

        When asked about testing golfers for PEDs, one commentator said, "They only have to         test Tiger.  If he's clean, what difference does it make what the rest are on?"

 

The other one is a description of Jim Brown's running ability.  "He could run down the field with 10 guys hanging off him and the 11th guy couldn't catch him."

 

I'll bet the Detroit writer has forgotten that Tyson proved that time, money & fame won't keep you out of jail if you want to look REALLY closely at a women.  After they're convicted, I'm sure he'll want to wait thru the appeal process.

    Why are you still watching Skip Cluele...,I mean, Bayliss?  I certainly don't need the stress of listening to his drivel.

 

I'm ready for the 2nd.  I haven't mentioned it to the Bimb, but she doesn't like to miss a chance to eat out.  I'll look up the Kawasaki dealers and suggest a place.

 

OK, the TRADE.  I can't see what kind of miracle the Twins are waiting for.  If they wait till June or July, neither the Yanks or the Sox would give up anyone when they get him for free soon.  Whatever club the Twins might work out a trade with, why would Santana limit himself negotiating with one club when free agency puts everyone into the mix?  The Mets are an option, I suppose, but the prospects they have don't even excite the Mets.  I'm sure the Twins would like to get Johan out of the league, but even if the Mets threw in the grounds crew and an organist, the Twins still wouldn't have any use for them.  (Maybe a few beer vendors).

 

Speaking of beer vendors, I see Peter Angelos is at it again: Voids a 7 for 2 trade.  Doesn't he realize that even if 5 of the 7 players retired 10 years ago, he still ends up with a better team?  I wonder if McPhail is sorry he took the job?  Nothing has changed.  I did hear that if Benson gets traded, Anna Benson has volunteered to take the physical for him.  You'd think that would generate some interest, but then, who hasn't seen her naked already?  Hal Steinbrenner says he has dropped out of that trade, too.

 

Time to watch some football: Patriots (just to shut up Miami) and the Jints (just to shut up the sportswriters.  We'll commiserate after the games.

 

Chad (Diarrhea Of The Mouth) Picasner

Dear Chad,

One more week... I spent several hours of this one past stripping a 30 yr. old headboard and footboard. When I clean a room, it's clean. Gently prompting our oldest out one door while the youngest arrives through another for, what he claims, will be about one months duration  is no way to cut down on the resident population of the house. Fortunately, there are more than enough scary distractions. 

A couple of favorites - no time for a top 110 - are 1) Rev. Mike Huckabee's suggestion that he and the entire population of Arkansas stick a flagpole up the ass of anyone who suggested that not fly the confederate battle flag in 2008 or any other time and place they pleased.  Seemed harsh for a clergyman but he has trained under Pat Robertson and other seriously weird guys. Anyway, that approach to the presidency earned him 30% of the  vote in the South Carolina republican primary.

Better still, John McCain got even more partly due to his response, "Make it a hundred.", to a comment that current administration thinking would commit us to Iraq for 50 years. Now isn't that manly for a 73 year old naval pilot shot down over Viet Nam 40 odd years ago? 

And now in Sports - The Dumb Fuck of the Week Award. 

Of course, Skip Bayles (sic) was in the running but actually came in a distant 3rd this week. This week's runner up goes to.......... Golf Monthly! The cover on the this months issue containing a story on the "...lynch him (Tiger Woods) in a back alley..." sportswriter gaff featured the business end of a noose. The mag earns serious  creds for winning more votes that any republican candidate. 

And the winner is, Roger from the Detroit Free Press (yes, that's code for a Black Sportswriter). While appearing on First Take with, whoever but Skip, they were asked if we should give Randy Moss - assault and battery - and Pacman Jones - strip clubs and stabbings - the benefit of the doubt in their current legal difficulties. Skip was quick to reply that both of these guys have no more benefit of the doubts left with him. He ended a hang-em-high rant with the disclaimer that we must maintain decorum and wait until they're convicted in a court before taking drastic measures against these two long-standing pariahs. Roger, always quick to defend the guilty, was additionally agitated by Skips remarks (aren't we all) so Skip at least gets an assist on this one...says in defense of PacMan, "Strip clubs are legal businesses...and these are young men (PacMman) with lots and money and time on there hands. And you know that young guys with money and time on their hands want to see the women."  We need to let the President of ESPN know how grateful we are that our sons and daughters and can tune into ESPN and get that kind of sage advice. 

All in all it was a great week for the racists, mysoginists and warmongering. Must be election time in the "Gleaming City on the Hill". 

We're Off

Bush wired during the mutual appearance of the two rich-guy candidates?

The most interesting aspect of this question is not the answer but that the question is actually plausible. Isn't it both astounding and just a little frightening that this story has stired up a hornet's nest of commentary in the main stream and alternative print and electronic media and in diners across the country.

George Bush is seen as so intellectual incompetent that many people believed the claim - and his handlers recognized that the claim is believable enough by large enough numbers that denials and alternative explainations were necessary. Now that's scary.

Love him or hate him, Bush is one wacked out cowboy. Only the enormous generosity of an American electorate could forgive his trash-compactor syntax, Orwellian war is peace constructions, that's what I said but that's not what I meant and we'll get back to you when we figure out what I mean, meant, will mean, I got it from the heavenly father sermonettes.

Or, maybe, just maybe, Bob Bock was right when, circa 1965, he mumbled "Never underestimate the stupidity of the American electorate."

I prefer to think the generally broad tolerance for Bush is a function of his incarnate resemblance to that favorite of all Bush prototypes, Alfred E. Neuman. Same hair, vapid grin, both clearly mad - and both wholly reliant on others for words.

Well, we shall soon find out who's right.